Today I Write

Today I sit behind this key board and I write. I pray that the emotions that I am feeling will somehow make it to this page. In this moment, my heart is shattered. Shattered becasue there is NOTHING I can do to fix the current circumstances. My heart, broken for family members and broken for a little boy that will now only have memories of his Father. You are too young. I cannot sit here and pretend that I had a close relationship with you becasuse that would be a down right lie. My fondest memories of you are when you were a young child. My sister and I would often babysit you. I took photos of you for many of my High School photography projects. Everyone would always ask "who's that cute little boy?" I recall one photo I took of you. I processed in our school's dark room. The lighting was oh so right and your cute smile won everyone over. Your photo was hung on the outside wall and for once my work had been featured. You were an easy subject and made photography fun for me. I only wish I knew where that photo was now. The news this morning came as a complete and utter shock to me, and I think I am still trying to process. I think about your Mom (my Aunt) and I cannot fathom her pain. Burrying a child is something I pray I never have to endure. That's not the order of things and it doesn't seem fair to me. I think about your Dad (my uncle) and a billion questions run through my mind. More pain and more tears flood my eyes. I think about your sister (my cousin) and my heart breaks a little more. Mostly, I think about your son and I pray that he always has fond memories of you. And lastly, I think about your relationhsip with the Lord. I know after your accident you questioned your purpose and your place in this world. I pray that you found your answer. I must admit I pulled up your facebook page, and after scrolling for a little while, I burst out laughing. It's a clip of you from Judge Judy. You know that time you were "skpping rocks". I needed that reminder and that laugh. It was like I was there all over again. Hard to believe that was twenty years ago. I know these next few days, months and potentially years will be hard on those who loved you. It's going to take some time to process. I hope you found what you were looking for. Your purpose has been fullfilled.

Sometimes

Sometimes I honestly wish I wasn't as nice as I am. Sometimes I wish I had it in me to be that mean vindictive person. Sometimes I wish others could feel the pain that I feel because I am an empath. It is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I want to lash out at people and make them feel what I feel in the moment. Being the bigger person has always been a goal of mine, but honestly sometimes I just get tired of trying. Trying to always please. Trying to be kind when you aren't so kind to me. Sometimes being the bigger person causes me even more pain and suffering in the end. Sometimes I just want to scream or hit something. Sometimes I get TIRED of being the one who always compromises. Sometimes I just want to be selfish. Sometimes I question why God made me this way? But at the end of the day, I know that mean vindictive person just isn't me. I know God made me and molded me into the person I am today, and I am still a work in progress. I will always choose kindness over being mean any day. I will always listen to you despite how you may treat me. I will always be the bigger person even when I don't want to be. I will always try to put my best foot forward in all situations. Sometimes I will lash out, but I assure you I am always quick to apologize, even when I shouldn't. I don't see that as a weakness. I claim that as taking responsibility for my actions. Sometimes I will be selfish, but most of the time it's because it's well deserved. Sometimes...

James Ryan Welch

It seems like yesterday that I held my son in my arms for the first time. Looking deep into this blue eyes, wondering what God had in store for this tiny human who I was now responsible for. I remember holding you skin to skin. Your warm, little body propped up on my shoulder as I slowly rubbed your boney back. Gosh how things have changed. You turn sixteen in March and I am simply baffled by this. You'll soon be driving and that will be one more thing for this Mom heart to worry about. You have grown into a fine young man and I am more than proud to call you my own blood. You have taught me so much in the fifteen years you have been gifted to me. You taught me the true meaning of love. I never knew my heart could love so much and so deeply. You show compassion and kindness daily. You exude joy and you are witty beyond your years. My Butterbean, you have blossomed right before my very eyes. I see the best of both me and your Dad through you. You make me laugh, but you also know how to irritate every nerve in my body. Haha! I wouldn't trade being your Mom for anything in this world. Your capabilities and athleticism still blow me away. You are good at so many things, and I am not just saying that because I am your Mother. Ask anyone and they will tell you the same. I enjoy watching you play all sports, but baseball will always be my favorite. You were made for this, and God is going to use you both on and off the field. I pray you always find peace and joy in the little things. I pray you never stop growing and learning. May you always have compassion in your heart and may you always do what's right, even when it's not the popular thing to do. I hope as you get older, that you still like to cook. I hope you still like to dance and to sing. You have an amazing voice, even though most times you try to hide this. Listening to you sing is one of my favorite things to do. I love your love for music of all kinds. Never be afraid to learn about other people and their culture. You will be a better version of you becasue of this. I pray God affords you lots of opportunities to travel. But don't stay gone too long...this Momma still needs her baby. James, I pray you always know how much this Mom heart of mine loves you. You will always be my baby, no matter how old. You have been my greatest joy and my greatest gift. There aren't enough words to describe and express all the joy in my heart. Keep on being wonderful, resilient, and the loving person that you are. You are forever my child. You've had me wrapped since day one.

Life Changes

Have you ever heard and listened to the lyrics to the song "Life Changes" by Thomas Rhett? It has a catchy tune and I've heard it a gazillon times on country radio. However, last night on my drive home from work, this song got me thinking. How many times do you go about your daily routine, making plans, only to have your plans changed in an instant? See we can plan all day long. Plan for the day, plan for tomorrow, plan for our future, but truth is, we are not the ones who hold the key to all this planning. Just like the lyrics say..."make your plans and you hear God laughing." Let's face it, life is full of all kinds of changes. You ever take the time to sit and reflect on all the changes in your life? Both the good and the bad. I mean when you REALLY sit and think...aren't you blown away? My son, James is now 14. I remember from the day he was born I looked forward to all the changes that were now coming my way as a new parent. I watched as my child grew and blossomed each month. I watched him grow into new diapers, new clothes etc. My husband and I were excited the first time he rolled over from his back to his stomach. He then bagan crawling and then before we knew it, he was taking his first steps. Just a like a baby, who transforms into a toddler, then a young child who grows into a teenager...we all go through so many changes within our lives. We grow up, get married, maybe start a family. We lose loved ones. Life is forever changing right before our very eyes. How often do we take the days before us for granted? At 5:58am this morning, 01/18/2024, my sweet nephew, Mason, made his grand entrance into this world. My husband and I received a facetime call shortly before 6:15am. My sister, Michelle had been in labor for 3 days. 3 days! You talk about life changes! I am so excited to welcome another family member and I cannot wait to love, hold him and spoil him. I am going to enjoy these changes that God has granted me. Being an Aunt has been more than a blessing. It in itself has been life changing. So much love and so much joy. I'll forever be grateful for these life changes. And as the lyrics to the song go..."And I wouldn't change it for the world, the world...oh no".

Support the Fighters/Admire the Survivors/Honor the Taken

It's been a HOT minute since my last entry. In fact two years. With it being the month of October, I felt the need to remind all my lady friends to do their monthly screenings. You see, a few years ago, I too had my own scare. I have talked about before, but thought I would bring to light my own personal experience. I remember doing a self exam and feeling something "off" in my right breast. I had an OB apppintment coming up so I knew that I would make mention of this. Turns out, I didn't have too, because as the doctor who was examinging me, she too felt a lump. The next thing I know, I am being set up for a referral to the Breast Center of Charlotte, NC. I can recall the events of that day very well. My husband went with me to my appointment. We sat in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. I was trying my best to put on a smile and be brave, but I am sure everyone could see through me. Finally the door to the waiting room opens and we hear "Mrs. Welch". Jeremy and I stand up and start to make our way to the door, only to be told that he cannot come with me. You talk about a feeling of complete lonliness and emptiness. From that waiting room I went to another. This waiting room was different. The room felt cold and dark and I could tell the ones who had been there before. There were lockers and other small rooms where I was asked to de-robe and put on a pink hospital gown. I can recall gatching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Truth is, I was scared and even more, I was worried. After I de-robed, I went back and sat in the waiting room. I started looking around. I wondered how many times those other females had been there? I thought about asking the lady in front of me some questions, but then I thought it best not too. I remember praying as I sat there waiting for an ultrasound. I remember the Holy Spirit coming upon me and the cold chills that rushed through my body, as I began to repeat Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. I just kept repeating that verse over and over again. As that verse was on repeat, I hear "you can come with me now." I remember the Ultrasound Tech and how she tried to make conversation with me. I can remember how calm she was. Still that verse kept playing on repeat inside my head. I was trying my best not to look at the screen. Would I even know what to look for? The Ultrasound Tech moved from one breast to the other. Again she remained calm. She then looked at me and stated she would be back with the doctor. Once she left I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Dallas...I said...you are going to be okay. God is with you. There was a knock at the door and again enters the Ultrasound Tech and the Doctor. The Doctor begins his examination. He too makes small talk and has a calmness about him. He then looks at me and says that I have very fiberous breasts and while doing the exmination they also found a cluster of what appears to be cysts in my left breast. The Doctor states that I will need to continually monitor both breasts over the next two years and that I am to follow up with scheduled mammograms. Over the course of two years I would have rountine mammograms done at the Breast Center in Huntersville, NC. These appointments were never easy. Mainly because they were nerve racking at the possibility that something could change. I was in my 30's, and although very rare at that age, Breast Cancer could still be a possibility. I remember most appointments ny husband would try his best to be at. He would sit and patiently wait until the mammograms were done. He was my biggest support system. We would go for celebratory dinners and sometimes he would show up with flowers. Anything to make me feel better. I am blessed to call him mine. I turned the BIG 4-0 in May and I guess that means more mammograms to be scheduled. Through this process I learned just how vital self examinations are and even more how precious is this thing called life. You see that's the thing about cancer. All cancers...they don't discriminate. Cancer doesn't care if your young and living your best life. Cancer doesn't care about the color of your skin. It doesn't care that you are married and have kids. If doesn't care that you had your whole life ahead of you. It doesn't care that your child is just an infant, a toddler, an elementary student, a middle schooler or a senior in High School. You don't choose cancer, it unfortunately chooses you. So tonight I want to support those who are fighting. I choose to admire the survivors and I choose to honor all those who have been taken by this horrible disease. YOUR story matters. YOU matter and everyone needs a support system. Today a co-worker came into work saddened by the loss of a young man from her small town community. While I don't know personally know him, I do know this community has been rocked. My facebook timeline has been flooded with many stories and pictures. Tonight I find my heart breaking for his family and friends. I can't pretend to know the amount of pain and heartache they are facing and it's not my place to act like I do. I just ask that if you find it in your heart, that you would please cover this family in prayer. I urge you tonight to make those doctors appointments if something doesn't feel right. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't allow cancer to take one more life...to take your life. Find a support system. Be a support system. Support those who are fighting. Admire the Survivors and Honor those who are Taken.

Happy Thanksgiving

Tonight I needed to pick up this laptop and write. So that is exactly what I intend to do. There is so much on my mind. 2020 has been a complete uphill climb. So this Thanksgiving is more than needed. It's a gentle to reminder that there is always something to be thankful for. Tonight I am most thankful for precious memories. Memories of Thanksgiving past. Memories of smells and hugs, love and laughter. Memories of family gathered near. Memories of my Mammaw and Pawpaws house. I can see and taste the food as I sit here and type this out. My mouth is watering and I am licking my lips just thinking about it. Mammaw always made the best homemade gravy. No one could out do her sweet tea and you best believe you can't touch her pimento cheese or christmas fudge. To this day, I still don't know her secret. We were each responsible for different food items each Thanksgiving. For example...I always knew Aunt Cindi would be responsible for the Mac and Cheese, Aunt Cheryl would make the mashed potatoes. Mom would always make potato salad and brocoli and rice casserole. Mammaw... the gravy and dressing. Sometimes Mom would make this too. Ohh how I longed for a plate of this food every year. It was something to look forward too. Nothing could compare to this Thanksgiving feast. Simply heaven in your mouth. Ummm smack your momma! This year I find myself longing for that food...I find myself clinging to memories and wondering if Thanksgiving will ever be the same without my grandparents. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't just about the food. It was about spending time with my family...it was about tradition. I miss my Pawpaws hugs, even though he nearly beat my back to death. I miss his crazy stories and his sweet snort when he laughed. I miss his smart wit and character. I miss how he called me Malley. I miss my Mammaw and her always wanting me to give her back rubs. "Not too hard now", I can hear her say. I miss how her eyes would cut accross the room if someone got out of line. I miss the laughter and football games outside on warm Thanksgiving Days. It really is the little things that you miss the most. Don't take the days ahead for granted. Don't take your loved one for granted. Be there every chance you can, for one day, all you will have are memories. So take the stupid pictures, make those phone calls and never pass up an opportunity to visit. TRUST ME...You're going to miss every ounce of it.

To My Mammaw

Today I said my final earthly goodbye to my 85 year old Mammaw, Margaret Anne Dulin. She was reunited with her love, Larry Dulin Senior and her son, John Banks Dulin. A reunion which I am sure was a glorious one. My Mammaw had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and these past few months have been nothing but a battle for her. Not only with her memory, but her health. She dealt with many blood clots which caused her to be in and out of the hospital. On Friday, October 25th, 2019 that battle came to end, as the good Lord called her home. No more Alzheimer's, no more clouded judgement. This Christmas Eve will mark seven years since my Pawpaw was also called home. I can only imagine the look on her face as my Pawpaw embraced her, pulled her close, and called her his "Shug". Today as family and friends filled the church that she and my Pawpaw once attended, lots of emotions were felt. As I peered in the casket where she lay, I couldn't help but think the person laying there looked nothing like her. My Mammaw was always proper and very well dressed. There wasn't much that she would let anyone get away with. Even as her grandchild, you best know that she was watching your every move. You knew you had better be on your best behavior when around her, or I assure you, the rath of Mammaw would rain down upon you. My Mammaw may have been a petite woman, but she didn't take any crap off anyone. TRUST me, you did not cross this woman. Nor did you sit in "her" chair. It's typical for the man of the house to have their own recliner or spot, but in the Dulin household, Mammaw ran the roost! Though a strict disciplinary, my Mammaw also showed compassion and love. I remember her picking me up and placing me in her lap and reading story books. I will never forget the look on her face when she held my son, James in her arms. Her great grandchild. I remember in the seventh grade, after my appendectomy, I was only allowed to take 1/2 days at school. My Mammaw took on the responsibility of picking me up. She would take me back to her house where we would watch soaps together. She let me lay on the couch and rest, which if you knew my Mammaw, you didn't do. Children were to sleep at night, not during the day. During those days at her house, I got to drink sweet tea and eat pimento cheese sandwiches. Nobody makes sweet tea and pimento cheese like my Mammaw! And don't get me started on her fudge! Ummmm, I can taste it now! This evening, after we lay her to rest and made the drive home, tears streamed down my face. Yes, I cried during the service, but these tears were different. These were tears of worry and fear. Worry that the traditions passed down through the years would somehow disappear. Fear that our family, the Dulin family, would simply fall through the cracks. For years and for as long as I can remember it has always been tradition that we join together for lunch on Thanksgiving. On Christmas Eve, we all know we are going to Mammaw and Pawpaw's house for snack foods and presents. It's a given. Now what will become of our family? Our traditions? My heart is saddened. So many questions. My Pawpaw and my Mammaw were the glue that held us together. I don't want those traditions to simply fade away. I don't want to be that family that only sees one another at weddings or a funeral. I want those traditions to continue. I want my Mammaw and Pawpaw to know that they have instilled values in us and that we will continue to take pride in the Dulin name. I want my son and his cousins to remember where those traditions started, so that they too can have traditions of their own. I don't want my family to disappear. We already have so many things that we take for granted. Family shouldn't be one. I keep asking God to send me a sign that all will be okay. I kept looking today at the grave site...just show me a deer Lord...just one deer. I have yet to see any, but I know God will not disappoint. He never does. While its tempting for me to ask for a sign, I know that my Mammaw and Pawpaw are looking down upon us. I know that they love us and they know that we love them. There presence will be greatly missed in the days ahead. I pray that their memory lives on within each of us. I pray for my Dad and my Aunts. I pray that God grants them strength, wisdom and understanding. I pray that God would mend their broken hearts. I pray that our family would only grow closer together. I pray that I always cherish having Anne as my middle name. I pray that I never forget time spent at the beach surrounded by my loved ones and the memories are forever etched in my mind. The beach house at Oak Island will always hold a special place in my heart. When I walk the beach, I will remember the fishing boat "Lady D", I will remember the sea shells we gathered and placed on the front porch. I will remember the ocean air that blew through my hair in the front bedroom and how we fault over who would sleep in that room. I will remember the hard work poured into that house and how our family built it with their own hands. I will look for your foot prints in the sand, and I will know that you are watching over me. And someday, if it be God's will, I pray that funds be provided, so that house that is so dear to me, will once again be a part of our family. May you know that you are loved and greatly missed. You will always be our Mom, Mammaw, Memaw and Nana...Until we meet again!

Life

Is it just me or has LIFE just really been hard these past few weeks? I am not one to share much in regards to my PERSONAL life. Yes, I am the type to ask for prayers and I am not afraid to let people know that I am hurting. However, there are certain things that I keep to myself. If I confide in you, you best know that I trust you. These past few weeks LIFE has really hit me. I have faced many challenges and at the current moment I still am. My comfort level, my safe zone and my bubble have completely been in an uproar. I have always looked at life as the glass is half full. It takes A LOT to bring my spirits down. I am not one who is easily angered and I have always been one to wear a smile on my face. These past weeks my emotions have been ALL over the place. One minute I am fine and the next I am balling my eyes out. My place of work has experienced a lot of changes and I have lost several co-workers who mean the world to me. I get that it's just a business, but when someone has been a part of your every day life for nearly seven years, YES it affects you. These people were my go to people. The people who always showed kindness, love, grace, mercy and were always there to lend a helping hand. The kind of people who pray for you...no questions asked. If I am being honest, I really feel like I have been attending a non-stop funeral. I am not saying I will never see these people again, our bonds of friendship are much stronger than that. It's the fact that they were "my" people. I know in this life I will experience many challenges and change is almost always certain. I am always open to change and I can easily adapt, it's just the getting there part that makes it hard. I try to remind myself that things could be much worse. I know that EVERYONE deals with certain storms. I am just hopeful that mine will soon come to end. Work is just one of a million things that I am emotionally dealing with. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I praise God for it! So today, I extend a prayer for all those who are dealing with LIFE at the current moment. I ask that God grant you wisdom and knowledge. I pray for peace for all those hurting. I pray for an abundance of strength. I pray for understanding. I pray for comfort and that the healing process would quickly begin. I pray that we always see beauty in all of life's many storms and I pray that we always come out stronger, bolder and more beautiful because of it. Please God hear our prayer. You already know our hearts. Today and always I pray that we let our FAITH be BIGGER than our fear.

Laughter

We have all heard the saying "Laughter is the best medicine." This saying couldn't be more true. This week I have been busy cleaning out and getting rid of things that are no longer of use to me. It is AMAZING what you find while cleaning! Things that you totally and completely forgot about. Things that you purchased years ago and you contemplate...What the heck was I thinking? This was me the other evening as I was cleaning out the Master bedroom closet. I found so many things that I had purchased and it was like Christmas Day all over again. Many items still had tags on them...which tells me...I have a HUGE shopping addiction. Ha! While busy cleaning, I came across a Halloween costume that I had purchased for my son, James. It was a clearance item and it seems I had failed to give it to my son when he had asked for it. I wondered if it would even fit him, but much to my surprise, it did. The costume was made to reflect one of those inflatable advertisement blow ups. My son put this thing on and I tell you what...I laughed and I laughed. It was a sight for sore eyes to say the least. I thought for sure he would grow tired of it, but boy was I wrong. Last night after work, James anxiously ran inside and put this costume on. He went back outside and stood near the end of our driveway. Please note that we live off the main road and it's a high traffic area, especially between 5 and 6 at night. Never in my life have I seen so many people smiling and laughing as they drove on by. So many people honked their horns. I was able to catch this all on video. I barrel rolled with laughter as I stood and watched. My son was definitely putting on a show. It was amazing to me seeing all these people pass by with huge smiles on their face. Something as simple as a costume and my son were able to make the world a little bit brighter for a moment. This is something I will never forget. I posted the live feed video to my facebook page an so many people have already commented on it. It definitely was a pick me up. I needed that reminder...a reminder that it's okay to have fun and make others laugh. Life is meant to be celebrated. We don't have to be so serious all the time. I know it sure put a smile on my face. It just proves once more, that laughter really is the best medicine. It was good for my soul and it sure blessed my heart. Thankful for little things, but even more thankful for my son and his willingness to spread laughter to others.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom, I want you to know today and always how much you mean to me. I hope my actions and my words show you just how much I love and appreciate you. I am forever grateful that God choose me to be your daughter. I am so very blessed. From day one you have showed me what true love looks like. You have showered me with your prayers and always want the very best for me. You never give up and are always there to put a smile on my face when I am feeling down. You are my biggest fan. You make the worst of days seem like they are nothing and remind me that better days are coming. You have always put your girls first and made sacrifices so that we may have. You support me. You are my biggest cheerleader. I remember how you would sneak into my room when I was much younger and offer me midnight snacks...mainly pizza...and for that my stomach and I are very thankful. You were there to wipe my tears and tell me that my heartache would soon be replaced by something even better. You make the BEST grilled ham and cheese sandwiches. You are my biggest and best role model. There is no replacing you. I want you to know that you have gone above and beyond your duties when it comes to being my Mother. Your love for God inspires me to be a better person. I love how you let your light shine and aren't afraid to speak your mind. I love that people say I have the cool Mom. That one never gets old. I love that you are a woman of morals. You have never changed who you are to benefit from someone or something. You are a woman of integrity. You show compassion on a daily basis. You are kind, gentle and easy spoken, but you also know how to put your foot down. I love to see you laugh because that means you are happy and you are here with me. I love how the simplest of things relax you...like a pedicure or someone rubbing your back. I love that every year you still give us gifts from Santa. You have always spoiled us...in a good way. You also taught me that I have to work in order to have nice things. You don't accept laziness and for that I am extremely grateful. You are one of the best cooks I know, and I'm not jus saying that because you are my Mom. Speaking of...Country Style Steak sounds REAL good. Maybe when I'm not doing the dieting thing. :) My only hope is that I can be half the Mom to James that you are to me. Always know that you did and are still doing a GREAT job. God sure knows what he is doing. You are more than just my Mom...you are one of my closet friends. For you, I will always be grateful. I pray I never take you for granted. I love you Mom, today and always. Love, O'Malley

Love Is

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 No matter how you look at it, love truly is one of life's greatest gifts. Valentines Day has and probably always will be one of my favorite times of year. Even when I was single, I still looked forward to the holiday. I greatly enjoy sitting back and watching others as they show their love and compassion toward another. Love is a beautiful thing, if you just open your eyes and pay attention to it. There is no other stronger force between two beings. Love can also either make you or break you. Either way, in my eyes, its always better to have loved. One of my favorite activities is people watching. I enjoy sitting back and watching elderly couples. I love seeing how fragile hands intertwine with one another. Love is a spectacular thing, and I am blessed in the fact that my heart belongs to another. Love can be found in the simplest of things...a smile, a look, a touch. It's not something that can ever be bought and to me is more precious than anything in this world. Love is powerful. Love will make you do things you never thought you would do before. Love has no limits or boundaries. Love is a bond like no other. It is an unconditional commitment to another. Love isn't just a decision, it's a promise. Love doesn't judge you, but instead chooses to embrace the mess we really are. Love is wanting wants best for someone, even if it doesn't include you. It's looking into another's eyes and feeling completely safe. Love is acceptance. Love is hopeful. Love is a friend. Love is an encourager. Love is kindness. Love is gentleness. Love is patient. Love truly is a blessing. Love is being there for someone, even when they have let you down time and time again. Love is forgiveness. Love is holding each others hands, back rubs, and wiping away tears. Love is laughter. Love is faithful. Love is magical. Love is safety. Love is comfort. Love is emotional. Love is affectionate. Love is fearless. Love is... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Songs That Take You Back

Tonight while leaving work, I had my radio on like usual. Windows were down and I was slowly making my way home. I was excited to get home this evening, as I had put a chuck roast in the crock pot the night before. My house smelt amazing this morning and my mouth was literally watering all day long. On my drive home, my mind drifted off like it always does. This time was different though. The radio was still playing and as the next song came on, memories of a past relationship came flooding inside my mind. This was a time in my life that I thought I would never move on from. My heart had been broken into a million pieces and I had no clue as to where and begin to start picking them up. I was 19 years old and the day was February 19, 2001. At that point in time, I could not see my future without this person in it. In my mind, I was going to marry this person. I hated the fact that my parents, especially my Dad had it right all along. He's not for you Dallas...that's all I could hear. My Mom, being the supportive one, was there with me for months as I cried my eyes out. I recall sleeping in the bed with my Mom, while my Dad went in slept in my room. She held me as I just cried. Numerous days and nights were spent on the couch, as I didn't want to go in my room. Too many photos and memories to see. What hurt even more was knowing that my now ex was interested in one of my best friends. I felt like I had wasted nearly 3 years of my life...and for what? What was the point of all of this? Why was my heart breaking? Why me? What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? Pretty enough? I remember the night of the "break up" my younger sister and I drove to Northside Baptist church of Concord. They had what was called P63. Basically praise and worship for high school and college students. I had to get out of my house and I basically knew that "he" would be there. I wanted to see him, talk to him, smell him, just be near him. Whatever it took. I kept staring at the entry way just waiting to see him. He never showed. I learned later, that he did show, he was with my friend and when he saw me, they left because he didn't want to see my cry all night. I don't know if I would consider this sympathy or not? I know none of this matters now, but then my hurt was real. My heart and my feelings shattered. My future? What future? Now fast forward 17 years later...yes 17! I did make it past that point in my life. My heart mended, I moved on, I picked up the pieces and my heart loves again. I have been married for almost 13 years now, I have a beautiful son, who is now 9 years old. I am so blessed and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Looking back, I know that I was just a teenager, but I was a teenager who was in love. I know some say teenagers really don't know what love is, but trust me...that hurt in my heart, at that point in time, I wouldn't wish on anyone. I was miserable and it showed. Funny how a simple song that plays on the radio can take you back. All those memories and that hurt came flooding back...maybe not in the same sense or meaning as before, but still that reminder was there. I sat and listened to the words of that song and I realized just had far I had come. You see...God had a plan all along. Even though, I couldn't see past that difficult point in my life...the Master of the Universe could. Months after the "break up" my ex and I actually became really good fiends. We even went on double dates and he was the best man in mine and Jeremy's wedding. People tell me I am crazy, and when I tell people that...the looks I get are priceless. Truth is...I wouldn't have it any other way. I am grateful for the heart ache and the lessons learned. I am grateful that God allowed me to have this experience. Though it was a bad one at the time, I see now how God was moving in my life. He has provided all that I have needed and still continues to provide. I became a stronger person because of it.

As I get Older

As I get older, the more and more I realize, just how fast this life of mine truly goes by. I sit here and stare at the calendar and it is hard for me to believe that Christmas will be here in two days. I look at pictures and find myself starring in awe. I feel like I just had my son yesterday and yet here we are...eight years later. Where did the time go? Was I simply oblivious to it all? I see and feel how my body is now changing...this growing old thing is catching up to me fast. Every day is a new ache or pain. I look in the mirror and what do I see? Gray hair and skin that is starting to wrinkle. I use to actually have some what of a body...a size nine. Geesh to be that size again. In five years I will turn forty. FORTY!!! HOLY CRAP! With all that being said, I have had a blessed life, thus far. Sure, I have faced many storms, but looking back, they were just stepping stones to get to me where I am now. So yes, I might wake up with a new ache, but boy am I blessed beyond measure. Not only has time changed me, but it has changed who I am as a person. I can honestly say that I am proud of the person I am today. I stand up for myself and no longer allow others to run over me. I have learned to walk away from toxic relationships and I now speak my mind. Yes, I do all of it tactfully and for that, I am proud. I may not ever see the size nine in my clothing tags again, but I am happy. Sure, I would like to make a few changes, but for the most part I am a pretty happy person. I have a husband who loves me and adores me and has been there for me since day one. He has supported me and loved me through many of life's storms. He has listened and not judged. He loves me for me and I am thankful that at the end of the day, I get to snuggle up close to him. I truly believe that love is the greatest gift that anyone could give us. The older I get, the more I love my parents and the guidance they showed me. My Mom has and will always be my biggest fan. When the good Lord calls them home, I may be lost for awhile, but I can do it with a smile on my face because I know they are both Christians and for that reason, there will be many crowns. I only hope that I can be half the mother to James as my Mom has been to me. As time moves on, I pray that my son stays strong in the Lord. I pray God pours out his blessings upon him and leads, directs and guides him. I pray that the temptation for drugs never crosses his mind. I hope that he will always be proud to call me his Mom. If others could only see what I see, when I look at him. They might have a small inkling as to how much I love him. In my eyes, you are perfect. As I get older, the days and the years may seem to go even quicker than those before, but one thing is for sure.. I am strong. I am proud. I am happy. I am resilient. I am blessed. I am LOVED.

People Watching

Have you ever just sat and really watched the world around us? People Watching can be so intriguing and honestly is one of my favorite things to do. You can learn so much just by paying attention to the people around you. Tonight my son and I were having dinner at our local Zaxbys. I couldn't help but to stop and stare, to sit back and take it all in. People are some of the funniest and strangest creatures around. I watched as the elderly couple across from our booth sat and chatted with one another. I couldn't help but to notice the BRIGHT BLUE finger nail polish her delicate hands were rockin. I wondered if she was that hip Granny that everyone hopes for. I wondered what her life was like when she was younger. I noticed that her outfit matched perfectly and her husband followed suit. I wondered what their life had been like and how long they had been together? Did they have kids? Grandchildren? How did they manage to make their marriage last? So many questions I pondered upon. Her husband seemed like a true gentlemen. He got up from the table to refill her drink and opened the door as they left the restaurant. I wondered where they were going? To our right were two teenage girls. They had actually placed their order before us. You could tell they were close friends as they laughed and got lost in conversation with one another. I sat and wondered what they were talking about? A boy friend perhaps? Maybe they were scheming and plotting away. The possibilities are endless. They both had long brown hair and perfect tan bodies. If they only knew how much I missed my best friend and how I longed for that conversation. A conversation that I know in the back of my mind will probably never happen again. My eyes skimmed to the young lady behind them. She sat alone with phone in her hand. In fact, she never put it down. I sat and wondered what had her focused and so attentive? Was she texting or was she getting lost in our never ending social media world? Did she even care that she was sitting alone? Was someone planning to meet her there? Then there was the family directly in front of me. I could tell that the woman's husband had become annoyed by the story she was telling. From what I could gather it had something to do with a fighter pilot. Her husband tried to jump in and retell the story, but the wife became agitated. Their son was older and sat and listened to his Mom while she spoke. I don't recall him ever saying a word. I wondered why the husband seemed so annoyed? Will I be like this when I am older? To the foreign family of three...I wondered what was so special about Zaxbys that you had to take so many selfies? Perhaps this is your daughter's favorite place to eat? Maybe you were celebrating? Maybe you just felt like taking pictures? Who knows? Whatever the reason, I do know that Zaxbys has good food. Then there were the two young teenage boys that came in together. One was a little person and I watched as the friend was willing to help with items that couldn't be reached. Was this guys night? I have always wondered what guys talk about when they get together? Do you gossip just as much as women do? So many questions. I sat and looked at my son while he ate his kids meal. I hope he knows how much I enjoy his company. I wondered how long I will have until eating dinner with Mom just isn't cool anymore. My little boy is growing up right before my very eyes. I looked into those magically colored blue eyes and I wondered what his thoughts were. Oh to be a child again. I wonder how many people watched me with my son this evening? What did they see in me? Did I intrigue them the way they had intrigued me? Did they wonder what my son and I were doing there? Could they see how much I loved my son? Did they know how much I was enjoying my evening just being there with him? Do they even care? People Watching at it's finest. You can get lost in a world of your own creativity. Sometimes we just need to sit back and pay attention to the world around us. The possibilities are endless.

YOU make a Difference

Sometimes we all need a little pick me up from time to time. I have a friend who has been dealing with a bunch of personal things and it has started to take it's toll on her. I think it is during the most difficult of times that we realize just how strong we are. We may not see it through our eyes, but believe me, others do. I know often I make the drive into work and yes, even though I can honestly say I love my job, I often ask myself, do I truly make a difference in the lives of others? I sometimes don't like telling others what my job title is. Some hear the word Receptionist and think "ohh". I honestly think people believe I just sit here in my office and answer the phone all day. Boy if you only knew. I also love how people assume that I have no sort of education. That's probably my favorite. Why is that we look at people and automatically assume because of their job title that's what defines them? For instance...Waitress, Hostess, Housekeeper, Stay at Home Mom...the list goes on. I will have you know that MANY well educated people and financially blessed folks all work in those areas. So why are we so quick to judge? Just like my friend who is facing many trials right now, I want YOU to know that you do make a difference in the lives of others. It all matters because you matter. I don't care if you make minimum wage, or if you are a billionaire. EVERYTHING we do makes a difference. You could be an ice scream scooper or a top executive at a law firm. It's all in how you treat people. If you are doing everything for God's glory, then yes, you do make a difference in the lives of others. I know it sometimes takes us a little while to see the BIG picture and to see it clearly. Would I love to make more money? Most definitely. I mean who wouldn't? And it's not just adults who make a difference, children make a difference too. I was so proud of my son yesterday. We recently celebrated his Birthday and as a result he had been given money. My husband text me while at work to tell me that James donated a portion of his money to MDA (Muscular Dystrophy Association). As a Mother this truly blesses me heart. No one asked him to do it, he simply volunteered. He could have kept that money for himself and spent it on Legos or other toys, but he didn't. He decided that he was going to make a difference in the lives of others. One simple act of kindness goes a long way. Today I ask you to think about your job or what you do on a day to day basis. Think about how you treat people. Do you spend your day moping and complaining or do you go about your day doing the best to your ability? You can and you will make a difference in the lives of others as long as you give him the glory. Just like my friend who is facing a difficult time. As long as she does everything unto his glory, then the victory is already hers. Be proud of who you are and what you do and never let a job title define you. We are all so much more, and yes we all make a difference!

In the Eye of the Storm...

Tonight I come to you asking for prayers for a friend and a co-worker of mine. Yesterday went hand in hand with my previous post about how life can sometimes throw us curve balls. Things that we are not expecting to happen, but when they do, we are thrown for a loop. Yesterday while at work, I answered the phone like I always do. Only this phone call was different. The lady on the other line stated she was calling in for someone. At first thought, I thought okay, no big deal, I will just give this call to a Nurse. However this person went on to explain that the person they were calling about was now in the hospital. I will not go into all the details as to what happened, as it is a personal matter, but I do ask that you please be in prayer for this person, as they are suffering. I can't even begin to fathom the pain they are dealing with at this time, nor would I ever want to endure it myself. I had to take a minute and process what this person just told me. I left my desk and a co-worker and I begin to tell everyone what was going on. Within five minutes all of my co-workers and I were gathered in an empty room. We all joined hands while another co-worker began to pray. She prayed for understanding and God's strength upon this person and I could feel the Holy Spirit move through her as she prayed aloud. Tears were shed and several of us asked what we could do to help? It is times like these when we really do have to take a step back and examine our lives. There is always someone going through or facing a hardship. It makes one realize just how minimal our problems truly are when we compare them to others. I believe there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. Sometimes I look at this world and I realize just how trivial my problems are compared to those that I know. I pull up my facebook page on a daily basis and while scrolling through I almost always come across a post where someone is facing a storm. Then I look again and I see post after post where people are asking for prayer. In a way this actually blesses me. To know that we are not alone as we face these trials amazes me. Sometimes I have to step back and not see things through my eyes, but the eyes of others. You may never know what someone else is going through. A smile and a laugh can cover so much up. Tonight I ask that you not only lift my co-worker up in your prayers, but I also ask that you not be so quick to judge. We ALL have our good and bad days and we may not ever know what other people are facing. Stop and think before you speak. Put yourself in their shoes. Help those who need helping. Go out of your way to be nice. Instead of putting someone down by gossiping behind their back, say something kind about them. Spread positivity instead of negativity. I don't think anyone would complain if you gave them a word of encouragement or threw out a nice compliment. Kind words go a long way. Remember all those curve balls that were thrown your way and ask yourself how you can help someone else. Sometimes all people really need is a listening ear. Tonight I pray for all the storms we are facing. I ask that God be with you, even as you read these very words. I pray for healing where healing needs to be done. I ask for God to intervene and that you would feel at peace. I ask for burdens to be left in the past. I ask for weights to be lifted off our shoulders. I pray for God's grace to be upon all who read this. I ask that we see the blessing behind the mess. May God be the eye of your storm, for in the eye, you can always find peace and rest.

Curve Balls

One thing is for certain in this life of ours. There will be plenty of ups and downs,one can only hope however, that there are more ups than there are downs. This weekend was a joyous one; my son, James just turned Eight and this weekend we held two parties, a Family party and a Kid party. There were smiles and lots of laughter. Lots of pictures were taken and tons of memories have been made. I can rejoice in the fact that my son had a wonderful weekend surrounded by those who love and care about him. However, sometimes life can throw us curve balls. This weekend while amongst all the joy, I too was thrown a curve ball. I got some unexpected news. News I was not expecting to hear and news that definitely threw me for a loop. One of life's many curve balls. Worry was beginning to set in and although I was trying to hide my worry through smiles and laughter, Saturday night I had to fight back the tears. I praise God for my husband who was there to tell me it will all be okay. Uncertainty can be a very scary thing especially without a support system. I know there are many people out there facing battles and sometimes quite frankly life just flat out sucks. I know so many people battling cancer and praying for a better outcome. I know those struggling with addiction. I know some are facing and dealing with spiritual battles. Many are dealing with financial burdens. Many curve balls will come our way throughout this lifetime. It is up to us in how we choose to deal with those curve balls. Today I choose to deal with this curve ball with prayer. I asked the Lord to intervene and I know no matter what the outcome, my God is a good God. I am so thankful for faith. I am even more thankful to have someone I can turn to when I am hurting. Someone who listens and will never forsake me. No, I might not understand why circumstances are the way they are, but I have hope in knowing this situation is already in his hands. In the end, as long as we have faith, no curve ball can stand in the way. I know sometimes it is not always easy to give situations to the Lord. We give them up to him, and then five minutes later, we take it right back. Truth is God wants us to rely on him. Are we not his children? Our heavenly Father never wants to see his children suffer. I don't believe that is ever his plan. However, we all know there will many hardships. Life is not always hunky dory. Through it all, I think all these curve balls make us better people. We come out stronger and ready to swing again. Today, I am thankful for the power of prayer. Thankful that I serve a loving and mighty God, thankful for the good and the bad. This may be one of many curve balls to come my way, but I have faith that I will come out swinging!

To My Husband

To My Husband, Today and always I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you. I love and appreciate not only what you do for me, but for our son. In your arms, I always feel safe. You never make me doubt myself. I am proud to wear this ring on my left hand and even more proud of the covenant that it represents. I love the man you were, you are now and the man you are becoming. You have changed in ways over the years that amaze me more and more with each passing day. I love how you make me smile. I love being with you and just enjoying our time together. I love the little things you do for me when no one is looking. I thank God for bringing you into my life and thank him even more for our marriage. Never once have I ever doubted you and your love for me. Through the years we have both grown in love. We have learned from past mistakes and I am happy with how far we have come on this journey. I wish I could put into words just how much you mean to me. I look at you and I can see our future together. I thank God for the good and the bad times and I thank him for allowing us to press on. I am thankful for our little family of three. I watch you with James and it makes me fall even more in love with you. There is nothing sexier than a man who loves his wife and children. I love you for making me smile. You always lift my spirits. You make me laugh like no other. I love your obnoxious bodily noises...I love the empty toilet paper roll...I love the little things that drive me bat crazy. I love you because you see past my weaknesses. You love me for me, flaws and all. I love your touch, your smell and your laughter. I love the sound of your voice on the other end of the phone. I love how you tell me I am beautiful without all the makeup. I love that you think I am beautiful without all the makeup. I love how hardworking you are. I love that you would do anything and everything for your family. I love your love for God. I love you for being there when I need you most. I love how you make me toast and buy me ginger ale when I am sick. I love your thoughtfulness. I love how good your butt looks in American Eagle jeans. I love how you provide for your family. I love how you say Kool Aid and Salsa. I love how you ask if I am pregnant EVERY time I say my stomach hurts or I have a headache. I love when you clean the house because you see that I am tired. I love it when you say "Dulin" when I am blocking your view of the tv. I love your warm touch and spooning at bed time. I love watching you while the Cowboys or Yankees are playing on tv. I love watching you and James through the kitchen window when you are outside playing ball. I love each and everything about you. Thank you for being a Godly man. Thank you for all that you do day in and day out. I hope I never take you or us for granted. It is a privilege to be called your wife. Thank you for being faithful. Thank you for being a wonderful husband, father and so much more. I am so blessed and I love you more than you could possibly know.

To the Woman in the Mirror

To the Woman in the Mirror, You are more than stretch marks, back fat, saggy breasts, and tired eyes. You are remarkable. You are worth more than a one night stand. You are valued. You are more than big hips and cellulite. You are beautiful. To the Woman in the Mirror, You are more than fat rolls and aged skin. You are special. You are more than sun spots and Botox. You are resilient. You are more than acne and scars. You are remarkable. To the Woman in the Mirror, You are more than the size tag labeled in your pants. You are unique. You are more than what society tells you you are. You are gorgeous. You are more than saggy skin. You are lovely. To the Woman in the Mirror, You are more than wrinkles and double chins. You are exquisite. You are more than crooked teeth. You are stunning. You are more than a big nose. You are foxy. To the Woman in the Mirror, You are more than any imperfections. You are amazing, radiant, sexy, bold, beautiful, brave, strong, alluring, appealing, becoming, captivating, breathtaking, charming, divine, delightful, enchanting, fabulous, glamorous, graceful, valued, irresistible, magnetic, luscious, marvelous, ravishing, seductive, spectacular, smart, kind, wonderful, creative, driven, sublime, taking, perfect. To the Woman in the Mirror, YOU ARE IMPORTANT!

It is hard to imagine that one week from today will be Christmas! I feel like this year, especially this month have flown by. I look at my calendar and shake my head. I don't know about you, but I have been running here there and everywhere. So BUSY and always on the run. I had to remind myself to slow down the other day. It is okay to say no. It is okay to take a step back and take a time out for myself. I don't want to get caught up in all the commercialism that comes along with my favorite holiday. I think so many people have become consumed with what is under the tree. They have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. I pray that I have taught my son that it is not about how many presents you receive or the amount of money spent. It is about our Savior's Birth. Yes, I think family traditions are wonderful and we too have plenty. I just hope I remember what is most important. I know I myself can go a little overboard at times. This especially hit me hard today for one of many reasons. Often I forget just how blessed "we" truly are. I was on facebook today scrolling through my timeline, I had several interesting news articles pop up. Several I scrolled over as to me they were just junk and not worth me wasting my time and energy on. Then a story jumped out at me. It was about the bombing's overseas in Russia. I was left speechless and crying. I sat and read and wept. So many things we take for granted. Imagine laying in your bed, it is the middle of the night. You are sleeping peacefully in your room. Your children are across the hall and also asleep in their beds. You are cuddled up close to your spouse, lost in peaceful slumber. Then suddenly from the middle of no where...TERROR strikes with vengeance. Your house is now in ruins. Your spouse lay dead under all the ruins. Your children...screaming for you. Blood pours from your face as you try and gather what just happened. Your house gone. A bomb fell from the sky and obliterated everything you own. You are left trying to pick up the pieces. Where do you turn for help? Another story I came across was about a 3 year old who was shot and killed in Arkansas. Apparently a man in another vehicle felt he would send a message by getting out of his car, and opening fire to warn the person they were driving to slowly through a stop sign. That child's life taken because of someone's ignorance and impatience. I sit and shake my head some more. Why? Why all the hatred in the world? I skim some more. Only this time it is not a news article. It is a post of one of my friends timelines. Someone had posted in honor of him. He has cancer throughout his body. The doctor's have given him a year at most to live. His body has rejected the chemo and there is nothing more they can do. What do you say to that? How do you react? Again shaking my head and at a loss for words. Tears streamed down my face. How can I be joyful at a time like this? So much heartache in the world we live in. I had to sit back and take a LONG hard look at my life. What am I doing? Do I tell the people who mean the world to me just how much I love and appreciate them? Do I live everyday to it's fullest extent? Or do I do more complaining and grumbling. What others wouldn't give to live in a safe place and have their health. So, so, so many things I should be doing differently. So many things I should be thankful for. So many things I take for granted on a daily basis. Today, I challenge you, even as you sit and read this...take a look around you. Stop with the pity party. So many people are facing challenges. Challenges we can't even begin to fathom. Truth is we are so spoiled and we do take things for granted. I want to remind everyone that we are all humans and we all will face hardships. If we would only take the focus off ourselves and step in to help others, I think we would truly see all the blessings that lay before us. This holiday season...no matter what religion, I ask that we all do a good deed. Help those who need it most. Be there, lend a helping hand and listening ear. Don't be so quick to judge. Instead of being Negative Nancy, look for the positive. Look for the beauty in others even when this world tells us not too. Tell your family and friends just how much they mean to you. Give extra hugs and kisses. Read those extra bedtime stories. Leave silly notes, laugh more and always open your eyes to the blessings around you. Now...look at all those gifts under your tree...for each one, I challenge you do pray over someone. Pray for their safety, their families, their loved ones. Pray for financial burdens to be lifted. Pray for success. Pray for their children, pray for healing and understanding. Pour your heart out to God for these people. I promise in return you too will be blessed. Let's show this cruel world that we live in, that there is still love and compassion for others. I leave in your hands and I pray everyone has a wonderful Christmas.