Five Little Fingers..."The Kissing Hand"

I sit and I stare at the refrigerator, not because I am hungry, but because it is a montage of pictures, drawings and magnets from who knows where. As I sit and I look, I can't help but to stare at the picture of my son's painted handprint. Five little fingers...a reminder of precious cargo. A reminder that I am a Mom and I have a son who loves me dearly. A reminder that someone is watching my every move, listening to my words and watching my actions on a daily basis. In the middle of this handprint is a tiny heart sticker. It's from his first day of Kindergarten. I am taken back to that day... There is a poem attached that reads "It's my first day of school And the "kissing hand" is what we read. It's about a raccoon who did just as his parents said. Like the raccoon's first day at school, I was scared and a little shy. But because of what you said, I was brave and I got by. All through the year, I'll make more things for you. So as I change and I learn, you can see my growth too!" As I look at that tiny handprint of his, I know I am wonderfully blessed. Blessed not only because I am the Mother of this precious child, but because God has given me another day here on this Earth. Another day to love and watch my son grow. Blessed because I have eyes to see him and ears to hear his sweet and precious voice. I am so thankful for those five little fingers. I never knew my heart could love so much. Those five little fingers are going to do wonderful things and I can't wait to watch them unfold before my very eyes. And although that handprint will get bigger and bigger throughout the years, those five fingers will forever be proof of God's handprints in my life.

Forgiveness

What is forgiveness and what does it truly mean to forgive someone? To me, Forgiveness is a reflection of loving yourself enough to move on. First you pray, you love and then you must forgive. Whether you are trying to forgive yourself for a past mistake, or trying to forgive those who have done you wrong...Life will become much easier when you learn to accept an apology that you never got. When we don't forgive and forget, we are only allowing more bitterness to build up inside our hearts. There is no way to travel back in time and fix the mistakes you made. However, you can grow and learn from them. You first must be willing to do this. Pray to God and ask him to show you the way. You can't give something to God then continuously take it back. If you want to forgive you must truly mean it. Then you pray. Pour out your problems to the one who is seated on the throne! But you don't know what that person did to me!?! Truth is, I don't need to know. Your actions are a reflection of one's self, not someone else. Stop making excuses. When we pray we are seeking God's will and purpose for our lives. It is not a matter of if a person will hurt you, it is a matter of when someone will hurt you. We all face different struggles in this life, but it is how we respond that makes all the difference. Prayer is a powerful thing! When we ask God to show us how to forgive someone, be prepared for him to move in such a way that will blow your mind! God will then show you how to love. Which is exactly what you do next. You love! You choose to love the unlovable! Words are one things, actions are another. Let others see your light shine. Some people say, the first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest and the first to forget is the happiest. What will you gain when you choose to forgive and forget? Often arguments or fights are drug out because we are too stubborn to forgive or even better...we are too proud. Don't allow you ego to get in the way. It is not worth it. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to be upset, it's okay to feel confused and it's okay to ask why? It's also okay to love and it's okay to forgive! Let it go! Don't add to heartache because of resentment. None of us are perfect! Let go of your grievances! Forgive as Christ has forgiven you. Pardon the unpardonable. Believe in the unbelievable and hope when everything around you seems hopeless. Never repay evil with evil. Repay evil with a blessing. That blessing is forgiveness! Show mercy and know that forgiveness is an expression of love.

To My Son

I wish I could put into words just how you mean to me. From the day you were born, you have been nothing but content. If I had to describe perfect, it would be you. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me proud, you make me love like I have never loved before. My heart is so overwhelmed with joy because of you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for allowing me to be your Mother. It is a privilege and a blessing. I look into your eyes and know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a God. A God who loved me and your Dad enough, to give us you. You are my little bundle of perfection and I wouldn't change not one thing about you. You are smart, you are kind, you are compassionate and loving. You are everything I strive to be. I hope and I pray that I show you just how much I love you. There is nothing more precious than the sound of your laughter and nothing more sweeter than to hear you say "Mommy, I love you." I can't even begin to imagine my life without you. I pray for you on a daily basis and ask God to love you, protect you and keep you safe. I ask that he gives you a long and healthy life. I pray that he uses you as his vessel. You will ALWAYS be my Butterbean, Stinkbug, Nuggs, Nugget, Snicker doodle, Bubba and Buddy. Nothing will ever change that. I can't wait to see how God is going to use you. Thank you for loving me and accepting me. Don't ever change and always, always, always know how much I love you!

1st Grade

Today, as I made my way into the school, my hands loaded with school supplies, I most definitely knew that my son is growing up. We made our way down the hall and into his classroom. A new and fresh start, a new year and now 1st grade. Last year my mind was consumed with worry and fear as I walked my then, kindergartener to his class. This year...not so much. I won't say that I didn't shed a few tears as I left the school parking lot and made my way home because that would be an absolute lie. Honestly this transition was a little different. Was I sad to see my child go? Most definitely, but today I decided not to let worry consume my mind. I know now that my child is in good hands. I have prayed and poured out my heart to God asking him to please watch over and protect my baby. Not saying that I didn't do the same last year. James was excited to start and I was excited for him. He knew several students from last year would now be in his class.One being a little girl named Alivia, but we will have that conversation a different time. Might I add she is a red head too...just sayin. As James made his way into Mrs. Kuster's class, I followed him as he made his way to his cubby. "Good Morning" those were my first words to his teacher. I then asked where she would like for me to place his school supplies, said goodbye to James and off I went. When I arrived home I remember the feeing I had last year as I sat in total and complete silence. "And then there was one", I remember thinking that over and over again. Today instead of sitting in silence, I decided to go out and about. First I made my way to Target where I managed to find some great Christmas gifts. After leaving there, I headed to my home away from home...Wally World. I found some good clearance deals there to...one of which I am using tonight with dinner. A kabob set and I LOVE IT! It's the little things in life. While in Walmart my stomach was saying "feed me woman", so I left there and headed to one of my favorites, Casa Garcia (Mexican). I didn't mind that I was by myself, however I did miss my Butterbean. I sat and wondered how his day was going? Was he making new friends? Did he like his teacher? What time was he going to lunch? I couldn't wait to pick him up and see how his day went. After lunch I headed into Lincolnton and made my way to Goodwill (love me some Goodwill)...picked up a few things for James and then it was time for me to head back towards James school. I sat patiently in the car line for what seemed like eternity. Finally there he was...my mini me...all smiles and ready to head home. He got in the car and I immediately asked how his day had been? James said it was super fun and so far he likes his teacher. Said he had a chicken sandwich for lunch and it was super good. I asked what time he went to lunch, but he stated he couldn't remember. I then asked if he was hungry and of course his response was yes. I made my way to the local Mickey D's and ordered a cheeseburger (no onions) for my baby, just as I did the previous year. "Thank You Mommy!" All in all it was a great day, and I am excited for new adventures. I pray this school year is filled with joy and happiness. I pray that James makes lots of new friends and that his teacher loves him as much as I do. I pray that he learns and grows as he learns. I pray for protection and safety abound. Most of all, I pray my baby enjoys this year as much as he did the previous. Welcome to 1st Grade!

My Pink Elephant Bracelet

Last night while at Walmart I purchased a Pink Elephant Bracelet. I had been eye balling these $0.99 bracelets for quite sometime now and last night, I finally jumped the gun and made the inexpensive purchase. So what is the signifigance behind all of this? When I was younger my Great Grandmother had made a Pink Elephant pillow for me. At the time, I didn't see the importance behind this, but now, as an adult, I most definitely do. My Great Grandmother has gone on to pass since then. For years, I clung to this pillow. Every where I went, my proud pillow went too. Ellie, that was the name I had given this pillow. This pillow had seen happiness, tears and some of the best and worst moments of my life. Every vacation I took, Ellie was with me. If ever I spent the night at a friends house, Ellie was with me. No one seemed to mind and I didn't care how old, Ellie was going with me. Ellie even experienced her first plane ride to Mexico with me. We were best buds, my pillow and me. Because I had Ellie for so long, of course she slowly began to fall apart. This didn't bother me though, Ellie had seen me at my worst, who was I to judge? One day, I left Ellie on top of the washing machine, and my sister, not knowing any better accidentially threw her away. You would think something as simple as a pillow being tossed away wouldn't really have an impact on me right? Wrong! Ellie had been with me through thick and thin. Ellie was much, much more than just some ordinary pillow. This pillow had meaning...this pillow, my Ellie; had sentimental value. For years on end, I tried to find material that matched what Ellie looked like. At craft shows I constantly looked to see if anyone had any hand stiched Elephant pillows, and for years on end I was left with nothing, but pure disappointment. That is until last Christmas. As I sat and opened my gifts, I noticed that my Mom had hand stiched not, one, but two small elephant pillows. One looking exactly like my Ellie. As I pulled this pillow out of the perfectly gift wrapped package, I began to cry. All those wonderful memories of me and my Ellie pillow all came rushing back to me at once. Some people may think this is childish, but for me this is a moment in my life that I was always hold near. My Mom was able to see just how important this pillow had been to me through all these years. And it's timing was perfect. Don't you know I sleep with these two elephant pillows every night? I say all this to explain the purchase of the inexpensive Elephant Bracelet. For awhile now I have been struggling with the fact that Jeremy and I may or may not have another child. I hear the question on a daily basis..."Do you think you and Jeremy will have another?." Truth is, I don't know the answer to this question. Sometimes I think, yes, I would LOVE to have another child and then there are times when I am perfectly content. I think about the what if's? I think about how I am not getting any younger. I think about the changes as a woman I will soon be facing. I look at James and think about the wonderful big brother he would be. Emotion, after emotion hits me. Jeremy and I have had several discussions regarding this. He looks more at the financial aspect of it. Not that I don't. I also think about my health, my weight and my age. Those are of high importance to me. I don't want to put my life or the babies life at risk. So I have decided that I will no longer let all these thoughts consume my mind. Whatever is God's will is what will happen. Just like Ellie came came back into my life, I know what if it is God's will for Jeremy and I to have another child, then we will. And it will all be in his timing...perfect timing. I will wear my Pink Elephant Bracelet as a reminder that God is in control. I need not worry about tomorrow, or the day after, or the next week because He is Lord over all. It is not my decision, but his. I pray that every time I look down at this bracelet that I am reminded of this. My pink, Elephant Bracelet...not my will, but his be done!

Prayers for Faith

I don't know about you, but when I see or hear stories about young children who have been diagnosed with cancer, I become heartbroken. Heartbroken and a little more thankful for all that God has so graciously given to me. We are never promised tomorrow and life is much to short not to make the most of it. I look at my son everyday and I praise God for giving me someone to love, someone who needs me, someone that makes life a little sweeter. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain and struggles of those parents whose child has been diagnosed with cancer. I am reminded as to how fragile life truly is. Makes me want to hold my son a little longer and embrace and take in every moment. I think about what all that child must endure and the struggles they will go through. I think about their fragile little bodies and the chemo treatments they must now face. I think about time spent inside hospital rooms not knowing what tomorrow might bring. Mostly I just cry. I question God...God why a child? Why someone who has not yet lived their life? Truth is, I don't have all the answers. Life is full of many whys. It is nothing unfamiliar. We all know life has it many ups and downs. I guess some things just weren't meant to be understood. Sometimes I think God puts certain situations in our lives to make us rely on him more. I think we all take life for granted at times. We forget how precious this life here on Earth truly is. We expect to go about our daily routines without anything ever going wrong. That's just it...things do go wrong. That's what makes life a journey. That's what makes us rely on God more. That is where faith comes in. And if faith is all it takes...then you can walk on the water too. Today I want to praise God for my health and the health of my child. I thank him for allowing me to breathe my next breath. I thank him for another great day with my family. I thank him for the reminder that this life is fragile and I praise him for giving us his grace. I want to lift up all those battling this horrible disease. I ask that the Lord be with you through this storm. I ask that he gives guidance. I pray for understanding. I pray that instead of shaking our fist at God, that we allow him to fight these battles for us. I pray for each and every child going through chemo. I ask that God give each and every person a special touch. I pray for his almighty army of angels to surround you at this time and that you would feel their very presence, but most of all I pray for healing and I pray for faith.

A Mommmy Moment

After tucking James in bed last night, I too made my way to the bedroom to ready myself for bed. I went into the bathroom and washed all my makeup off, looked at myself one last time in the mirror and then made my way to the bed. That is when I noticed that James had some how managed to make his way into our bedroom and had now crawled in the bed with Jeremy. My first reaction was to tell him, no buddy you can't be in here, but instead I didn't. I slowly and quietly tip-toed to my side of the bed, threw the covers back and slid into bed. I wrapped my arms around him and slowly began rubbing his back. It's not every day that I get to snuggle with my now six year old, so I was willing to take advantage of this opportunity. As I lay there and rubbed his back, again it hit me as to how fast he is growing. I remember when my hand consumed his entire back, now not so much. I took his limp little hand into mine and I watched as his tiny little fingers wrapped around mine. For a moment time stood still and I was now in my happy place. I lay there and gently caressed his little hand. James has the softest skin. He lay there with his eyes closed completely lost in peaceful slumber. Slowly but surely the tears began to fill my eyes, I could feel them slowly make their way from my eye lids to my pillow. Still I lay there rubbing his back and holding his hand. Why must he grow up so fast? The lump in my throat was starting to hurt, but still we both lay there; he lost in deep dreams and me balling like a baby. These are the bittersweet moments that all Moms hold near and dear to their hearts. These are the moments you can't get back. I try not to move, but my crying and sniffling got the best of me. My husband rolled over, looked at me and asked "are you crying?" I just shook my head yes and said "he's growing up, our baby is growing up." In that moment James opened his eyes and asked if I was okay? I shook my head yes and then repeated "you're growing up buddy, you're growing up." James just looks at me and then says "Momma that's what I am supposed to do, it will all be okay." I too know it will all be okay... I just couldn't let go...let go of this Mommy Moment.