You Can't Steal My Joy!

This week has been one for the books to say the least. This week has been a whirlwind of emotions for many reasons. Monday, I took the day off as school is now in session. James is now in the 2nd grade. This was the first time I have not walked my son to his classroom. Instead we took our normal back to school pictures and this time we said our goodbyes to one another in the car. I told him I loved him and hoped and prayed that he had a great first day. That was Monday. The rest of the week...well let's just say I was ready for it to be done and over with. I have been so HURT by friends that finally I just had to throw my hands up and give it all to God. This week had me questioning whether or not it truly pays to be kind anymore? Here lately it just seems to bite me in the butt every single time. Seems that all the A-holes out there get what they want when they want it, so why should I continue to be kind? I have cried every day this week and honestly Thursday night was my breaking point. I was getting in my car to leave work and all the emotions from the week finally caught up with me. I was more than just angry, now I was bitter. Not a place you want to be. If given the chance, I probably would have punched someone in the face. At least that would have released some of the anger. You see I am the type of person who holds stuff in, but if pushed enough I will eventually explode. Typically this means someone gets caught up in the cross fire...someone that doesn't deserve to be yelled at. Thursday night was different though. Instead of exploding...I sobbed. And by sobbed, I mean balled like a baby. Finally enough was enough. Lets just say I was feeling pretty sorry myself. I had a lot of "why" questions this week. And yet, I still don't have those answers, I know that my problems fail in comparison with someone else. It was in that moment...balling like a baby that I realized someone else has it way more worse than me. Someone out there is laying on their death bed. Someone just lost their job. Someone is sleeping in the streets. Someone is worried where they will get their next meal. A child is dying from cancer or is living a life that no child should ever have to endure. The list goes on and on and on. Yes, I still have my many why questions and perhaps I will never get the answers I want/need. Truth is I know I will be hurt again, but at least I know I have a Father who sees every tear, he hears ever prayer and he loves me for me. If the God of this universe can give me chance after chance, then I know I can do the same. I also know that these people that hurt me will have to face and deal with their own transgressions. Yes this week has been a terrible week for one reason or another, but today I choose to forgive. And in forgiving I have somehow found freedom. You see these people who have wronged me won't be allowed to take control over how I feel. Like I said, they will have to face and deal with their own transgressions. With that being said...I will continue to be me. These people didn't steal my joy, nor will I allow them too. As for me, I will continue to let my light shine and I have hope in knowing that the God of the universe will be right here with me in the good and bad times.

Widowed

Lonely and empty, those are the only words that come to mind when I think or see the word Widowed. To be without one's spouse. I don't and cannot even begin to imagine that sort of loss. To have had a companion and to love someone whole heartedly is a great and wonderful thing. To have someone to share your deepest secrets with. To have someone to hold and love you. To have someone listen, someone to talk to and someone to comfort you in the bad times. That person is now gone. Widowed... To cry out and no one answer, to long for their embrace, to hunger for one more kiss, or the touch of their skin. To yearn for just one more day...one more chance to tell you how much you are loved. Widowed... So very lonely, so very empty. I can't imagine my husband not being here when I wake up in the morning. Have you ever thought about a certain situation and it literally brought you to tears the instant you began to think about it? That was me the other day. I was at work, just another ordinary day, when one of our Residents who has Alzheimer's disease was crying out for her husband. She stated she wanted to go see and talk with him. I quickly learned that she was widowed and her husband had died several years back. I sat for a moment wondering what it must be like? The one person she could relate too, and to know that her significant other is gone. This person proceeded to ask for the telephone so she could call her husband. I just smiled and said "I'm sorry honey, we can't make collect calls there." My heart was breaking on the inside. Isn't it always the little things we take for granted? Knowing that this one day might be me nearly made the situation worse. However, it also helped to put things in perspective. I shouldn't take this life for granted, much less the time I get to spend with my husband. For one day our time will come. Whether I go first or vice versa, one of us will be left here to pick up the broken pieces. I pray my husband knows how very much in love with him I am. I hope he knows how proud he makes me on a daily basis. I hope I tell and show him every day just how much he means to me. I hope he knows my appreciation for him and all that he does, not just for me, but for our son. I know our days are numbered here on this Earth, so I pray that every day the good Lord gives me is another great day. I pray for a strong marriage and that others would see the love we have for one another. No, we are not perfect by any means and yes there are days when we seriously agitate one another. But through it all and at the very end of the day...when we lay our heads down to sleep, I know that the God of the universe designed my husband just for me. I know that he loves me because he chooses to show me with his words and his actions. So this evening while I sit and I type this entry, I pray that every person reading this...married or not, knows just how sacred marriage is and can be. I pray that you show your spouse just how much they mean to you. Don't talk to them ugly because those may just be your very last words. Tell them and show them how much you love and appreciate them. Honor and Respect them. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Support them, no matter what the odds. Protect them...be jealous for them. Argue less and cuddle more. Do things with them and for them...things you would never do for anyone else. Pray for them. Pray for your marriage. It deserves your attention and more than anything your hard work. May you be reminded of this each day. I pray that the day(s) with your spouse are many. I pray they are happy and healthy days. I pray that your spouse would know just how much they mean to you, not just while you are here, but when you are gone too. Yes, a widowed person might be lonely and even feel empty inside. It is my hope though, that they have an awesome story to tell. Please don't take the little things for granted. To My Husband, I love you today and tomorrow and for all the days in between. May you always be a part of my story... -Dallas-

You Are More Than What You Think!

I am writing this tonight, because someone out there needs to see this. I pray that the Lord will use me as his vessel. May he give me the words to write and may his hands guide me as I type this. You are reading this, not by chance, but because someone loves you enough to show you just how valuable you are. You are important...you were hand made and molded for a reason. Your life matters, you are special, you are beautiful and you are perfect in his eyes. You are worthy, you see broken, but the Lord sees beautiful. You are not worthless, you are not ugly, you are not stupid. You were never made to be trampled on. You are his child. You are not forgotten...He knows you by name. He knows your thoughts...he sees all your tears. He will make beauty from these ashes. You do have a purpose!!! You were made in his image. He knows all and sees all. He sees your heartache, he knows your pain. He loves you unconditionally despite your faults. You can find rest in him. YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made. Before you were formed in the womb, he knew you. You are precious. You are special. You are honored. He has called you by name. You are his. God is the potter and you are his clay. You are a masterpiece...a new creation being born. We are all created unique. God loves you so much, that even the hairs on your head are numbered. You may see shattered, but he sees whole. There's nothing too dirty, that he can't make worthy. Trust and believe that he does have a plan for your life. Regardless of what anyone else tells you...please know that. There is no need to be afraid or worry. YOU are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. The Lord has mighty and great plans for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. He saw you before you were born and has recorded every day of your life in his book. Every moment has been laid out. That's how important YOU are! Repeat after me... You are beautiful, you are unique, you are loved, you are special, you are created for a purpose, you are cared for, you are lovely, you are precious, you are important, you are a new creation, you are protected, you are empowered, you are chosen, you are family, you are his, but more than anything, you are forgiven. Because God's promises are true, you can overcome any obstacle, you can face fears and you can find rest. He counts the stars and calls them all by name. How much more valuable are you? God uses broken vessels, so when the Devil tells you, you are useless...just remember he is a Liar. YOU are more than what you think!

When the Race is Over

It is with a heavy heart that I write tonight. I don't know where to begin or how to express what my heart has felt all day. There was an automobile accident today on highway 150. I heard about it from several of my co-workers as they travel that road to come to work. They stated from what they could see that it was bad...really bad. I decided I would log onto one of the local news stations to see if I could obtain more information. Sure enough it was the headliner. I began to look at the pictures of the vehicles, not paying much attention to the actual story. As I was looking at one of the vehicles which was mangled, I thought that I recognized it. It wasn't until later in the day, that I put two and two together. I kept seeing numerous posts on Facebook. Posts asking for prayers for a sweet and loving family that they knew. I messaged one of my friends to ask for the name of the family involved in this morning's accident. When she told me who it was I must admit I was in disbelief. Tears rolled down my face. This was my son's baseball coach wife. They have two young children. One is James age and the other just two. My heart was shattered. I learned that the oldest son had been rushed to the local hospital and the youngest was at Levine's in Charlotte. She was driving the oldest to school when the accident happened. For me, this shocking news hit all to close to home for many reasons. Not only was this a family we knew, but someone I had talked with on occasion. We were friends on Facebook, we did concessions together during the fall ball season. We had engaged in conversation with one another and she not only supported her own son, she supported James. She supported every child on that team. We just got word via text the other night that James was to have the same coach for spring ball. Their first practice was scheduled for this Thursday night. I mostly thought about those two precious children. One now at the age of understanding his Mom will no longer be there in the morning to greet him with a warm smile. The youngest, not knowing or able to understand what just happened and that his Mommy will no longer be here in the physical sense. Her race is over... My mind has raced back and forth dwelling on the fact that a husband is now left alone to raise two boys. She was a stay at home Mom. She will no longer be there to kiss boo-boo's, read bedtime stories, tickle her children, kiss them or touch them. There will be one less plate at the dinner table. So many questions have run through my mind and still do, even as I type this. I know from the newsfeed that the driver of the other vehicle crossed the center line, hitting them head on. I don't have all the details, just what the news has stated. I only hope that this person wasn't driving impaired. I ask that you try to have a forgiving heart. Yes a life was taken, and I would imagine that if this person has any kind of heart, they are feeling that pain and loss tonight as well. When learning of this accident, it brought back a flood of memories from when I had my own accident. Hard to believe that on April 24th it will be one year. I ask myself all the time why my life was spared when it could have easily been taken. Just one more thing to flood my mind. Why was her life taken and not mine? She has two beautiful children and a loving husband. Isn't her life just as valuable as mine? More questions...more tears. I don't blame God, I just wish sometimes we had the answers. I bring all this before you to say this...one day this life will fade away. We will be gone. For me, I know what comes after death. I look forward to those pearly gates and meeting Jesus face to face. I know this to be true of the victim today. I know she is now face to face with her creator. I know this because of her Christ like actions. There is no doubt. Her final race is now over and victory is now hers. So tonight, parents...hug and kiss your children a little longer. Give them cookies and milk before bed. Wrap your arms around them and tell them you love them. Read them that extra bedtime story. Tell your spouse how much they truly mean to you. Let them know they are appreciated. Tell them they are beautiful and cling tight to the memories you have made. Don't let your heart be filled with hate. Love and live like there is no tomorrow. I can only imagine that today began as any typical day would. They got up, got dressed, she said goodbye and gave her husband a kiss. She headed out the door with her two children, she had already planned out what she would do for the day. Only, this time, things would be different. Those plans changed in an instant. That's how precious this life is. Cherish it because one day, this life...this race will be over. My prayers go out to you. Rest In Peace.

Final Homecoming

Homecoming...what does it mean to you? I am sure for many the word homecoming takes on many different meanings. For me, when I think of the word homecoming, I think of that glorious day when I will finally be reunited with all my loved ones. A final homecoming. This week, my husband and son have been out of town. They were in Arkansas visiting family. They made the drive out late Wednesday night and returned home shortly after 6am today. Granted, my son has never been away from me for more than a weekend at any given time. I was so ready to see him. A Mother's love is like no other. Last night I lay in bed anticipating what the morning might bring. I prayed that God would watch over my family as they traveled home. I prayed for safety and that he would place a hedge of protection around them. I wanted my babies home and in my arms. I was ready for a homecoming. This morning, as I heard the car pull into the drive, happiness and joy exhumed me. My family was now home and we were now one again. I no longer had to worry about their safety. I sat in bed and waited anxiously for the door knob to turn. At first I heard the sound of my husband entering the house. Then, as I watched the door to my room open, my heart was filled with complete happiness. My son said Mommy, ran into my arms and clung to me. I held him tightly and told him how much I had missed him. My sweet child was now home. My husband then came to bed and I wrapped my arms around him. Safe...that is what I felt. Safe and loved. God had brought my family back to me. I lay in bed and thanked him for their safe return. This morning, on my way into work, I couldn't help but to think what our final homecoming must be like? To be reunited with all those that have gone on before us. We will finally see our loved ones face to face. My family was gone for only a short week and I missed them like crazy. I guess the saying really is true. You don't realize what you have until it's gone. This week I have anxiously awaited for their return. I can only imagine what Heaven must be like. I would imagine it is a happiness, a peace, and joy like we have never felt before. No more sadness or loneliness. The waiting game is now over. You have made it to your final destination...your final homecoming.

Sleep Over

The other night my son asked if I would stay the night in his room? And by stay the night in his room, he meant sleep in the bed and snuggle with him. At first I hesitated as I was looking to get a good's night rest. Then I was reminded that this life we live is very short, and soon he won't be asking me those simple questions. I knew I would be off from work the next day, so I showered, got dressed and crawled in the bed with him. We snuggled up close, told silly stories and then my sweet angel drifted off to la-la land. I lay there with his little hand in mine and as I thought about how fast he is growing up, I began to cry. As the tears rolled slowly down my cheek I felt him gently squeeze my hand. It's as if God were saying "it's okay my child". I know these precious sleep overs won't last forever, but I am going to enjoy all that I can while he is still young. As I held his perfect little fingers, I gently caressed them. I am still amazed by this precious child. Amazed that he is mine. Amazed that God choose me to be this Mother. He didn't have to, and I pray that I always remember that. God allowed me this wonderful privilege. As James lay there in peaceful slumber, my mind slowly drifted to the day Jeremy and I first brought him home. Seems like just yesterday and now my baby boy is six. I remember how small and fragile he seemed. His car seat nearly swallowed him whole, along with his clothes and everything else. He was perfect then, and he is perfect now. I remember how small he seemed in my husbands arms. I remember the love in Jeremy's eyes and how he looked at our son with great splendor in his eyes. Our magnificent bundle of joy had now made his presence. As each day passes I come to love that little booger more and more. Sometimes my heart literally feels as if it could burst with excitement and joy. There is no greater feeling in the world. A natural high. While I didn't get much sleep that night for one reason or another, I wouldn't trade that night for anything in the world. It was another night that God allowed me to hold my son tight. Another night that I knew my child was safe. Another night to snuggle, to laugh, to sing silly songs and tell crazy stories. Another night to be a Mother. Another night to love and to cherish moments like these. And hopefully soon...another sleep over.

A Matter of Time

Webster defines the definition of time as the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. I have always said that your time is a precious thing. It can be measured in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, years etc. Today I had the great privilege of talking to one of our residents at work. This resident and I talked about our families and how there is nothing like home sweet home. Our conversation became more serious, however when this person mentioned that they had cancer. There will be no more treatments, and he simply stated that his time is running out. This person proceeded to tell me that he wasn't scared and he was ready to say goodbye. He explained to me that his wife had also past from cancer and that while in her final days he did everything he could to make her happy and content. He said he didn't understand what she was going through, until he himself had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. This man proceeded to tell me that he hopes he goes peacefully. I couldn't help, but to become teary eyed as we sat and talked. I realized, yet again, that we are not promised tomorrow. We have no way of knowing what our future holds. This man said "you must make the most of everyday." How true is this simple statement? Our lives are like the clocks that hang on the wall... going round and round and round until finally this thing we call life comes to a complete stop. The End...time has run out. This man and I didn't talk for long, but in those few short minutes we were able to speak with one another, I had already learned so much. Our time here on this Earth is precious and it is up to us to make the most out of it. Sometimes I don't think we as humans realize just how wonderful life is and can be, until it's too late. When we are young, why is that we long for the days when we will be much older? I would give anything to have one more day as a kid. Free from responsibilities. Oh to have the innocence of a child again! I am 33 years old and I look back and I ask myself...where did the time go? I look at my son, who is now six years old and it blows my mind. I feel like Jeremy and I were just picking out paint colors for his room and now he is six! I stare at the calendar and in disbelief I see that it is already November. Soon Thanksgiving and Christmas will have come and gone. Sometimes I feel as if my life is on auto-pilot. The days and months just keep flying by. I have to remind myself to make time for the little things. Parents, I urge you to hug your children longer, get in the floor and play with them. Sing silly songs, tell stories, eat ice cream for dinner. Tell your loved ones just how much they mean to you. Do it before the moment passes you by. Never regret saying I love you, it may be your very last chance. Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Tomorrow may never come. Time as we know it will eventually run out.