Today I Write

Today I sit behind this key board and I write. I pray that the emotions that I am feeling will somehow make it to this page. In this moment, my heart is shattered. Shattered becasue there is NOTHING I can do to fix the current circumstances. My heart, broken for family members and broken for a little boy that will now only have memories of his Father. You are too young. I cannot sit here and pretend that I had a close relationship with you becasuse that would be a down right lie. My fondest memories of you are when you were a young child. My sister and I would often babysit you. I took photos of you for many of my High School photography projects. Everyone would always ask "who's that cute little boy?" I recall one photo I took of you. I processed in our school's dark room. The lighting was oh so right and your cute smile won everyone over. Your photo was hung on the outside wall and for once my work had been featured. You were an easy subject and made photography fun for me. I only wish I knew where that photo was now. The news this morning came as a complete and utter shock to me, and I think I am still trying to process. I think about your Mom (my Aunt) and I cannot fathom her pain. Burrying a child is something I pray I never have to endure. That's not the order of things and it doesn't seem fair to me. I think about your Dad (my uncle) and a billion questions run through my mind. More pain and more tears flood my eyes. I think about your sister (my cousin) and my heart breaks a little more. Mostly, I think about your son and I pray that he always has fond memories of you. And lastly, I think about your relationhsip with the Lord. I know after your accident you questioned your purpose and your place in this world. I pray that you found your answer. I must admit I pulled up your facebook page, and after scrolling for a little while, I burst out laughing. It's a clip of you from Judge Judy. You know that time you were "skpping rocks". I needed that reminder and that laugh. It was like I was there all over again. Hard to believe that was twenty years ago. I know these next few days, months and potentially years will be hard on those who loved you. It's going to take some time to process. I hope you found what you were looking for. Your purpose has been fullfilled.

Sometimes

Sometimes I honestly wish I wasn't as nice as I am. Sometimes I wish I had it in me to be that mean vindictive person. Sometimes I wish others could feel the pain that I feel because I am an empath. It is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I want to lash out at people and make them feel what I feel in the moment. Being the bigger person has always been a goal of mine, but honestly sometimes I just get tired of trying. Trying to always please. Trying to be kind when you aren't so kind to me. Sometimes being the bigger person causes me even more pain and suffering in the end. Sometimes I just want to scream or hit something. Sometimes I get TIRED of being the one who always compromises. Sometimes I just want to be selfish. Sometimes I question why God made me this way? But at the end of the day, I know that mean vindictive person just isn't me. I know God made me and molded me into the person I am today, and I am still a work in progress. I will always choose kindness over being mean any day. I will always listen to you despite how you may treat me. I will always be the bigger person even when I don't want to be. I will always try to put my best foot forward in all situations. Sometimes I will lash out, but I assure you I am always quick to apologize, even when I shouldn't. I don't see that as a weakness. I claim that as taking responsibility for my actions. Sometimes I will be selfish, but most of the time it's because it's well deserved. Sometimes...

James Ryan Welch

It seems like yesterday that I held my son in my arms for the first time. Looking deep into this blue eyes, wondering what God had in store for this tiny human who I was now responsible for. I remember holding you skin to skin. Your warm, little body propped up on my shoulder as I slowly rubbed your boney back. Gosh how things have changed. You turn sixteen in March and I am simply baffled by this. You'll soon be driving and that will be one more thing for this Mom heart to worry about. You have grown into a fine young man and I am more than proud to call you my own blood. You have taught me so much in the fifteen years you have been gifted to me. You taught me the true meaning of love. I never knew my heart could love so much and so deeply. You show compassion and kindness daily. You exude joy and you are witty beyond your years. My Butterbean, you have blossomed right before my very eyes. I see the best of both me and your Dad through you. You make me laugh, but you also know how to irritate every nerve in my body. Haha! I wouldn't trade being your Mom for anything in this world. Your capabilities and athleticism still blow me away. You are good at so many things, and I am not just saying that because I am your Mother. Ask anyone and they will tell you the same. I enjoy watching you play all sports, but baseball will always be my favorite. You were made for this, and God is going to use you both on and off the field. I pray you always find peace and joy in the little things. I pray you never stop growing and learning. May you always have compassion in your heart and may you always do what's right, even when it's not the popular thing to do. I hope as you get older, that you still like to cook. I hope you still like to dance and to sing. You have an amazing voice, even though most times you try to hide this. Listening to you sing is one of my favorite things to do. I love your love for music of all kinds. Never be afraid to learn about other people and their culture. You will be a better version of you becasue of this. I pray God affords you lots of opportunities to travel. But don't stay gone too long...this Momma still needs her baby. James, I pray you always know how much this Mom heart of mine loves you. You will always be my baby, no matter how old. You have been my greatest joy and my greatest gift. There aren't enough words to describe and express all the joy in my heart. Keep on being wonderful, resilient, and the loving person that you are. You are forever my child. You've had me wrapped since day one.

Life Changes

Have you ever heard and listened to the lyrics to the song "Life Changes" by Thomas Rhett? It has a catchy tune and I've heard it a gazillon times on country radio. However, last night on my drive home from work, this song got me thinking. How many times do you go about your daily routine, making plans, only to have your plans changed in an instant? See we can plan all day long. Plan for the day, plan for tomorrow, plan for our future, but truth is, we are not the ones who hold the key to all this planning. Just like the lyrics say..."make your plans and you hear God laughing." Let's face it, life is full of all kinds of changes. You ever take the time to sit and reflect on all the changes in your life? Both the good and the bad. I mean when you REALLY sit and think...aren't you blown away? My son, James is now 14. I remember from the day he was born I looked forward to all the changes that were now coming my way as a new parent. I watched as my child grew and blossomed each month. I watched him grow into new diapers, new clothes etc. My husband and I were excited the first time he rolled over from his back to his stomach. He then bagan crawling and then before we knew it, he was taking his first steps. Just a like a baby, who transforms into a toddler, then a young child who grows into a teenager...we all go through so many changes within our lives. We grow up, get married, maybe start a family. We lose loved ones. Life is forever changing right before our very eyes. How often do we take the days before us for granted? At 5:58am this morning, 01/18/2024, my sweet nephew, Mason, made his grand entrance into this world. My husband and I received a facetime call shortly before 6:15am. My sister, Michelle had been in labor for 3 days. 3 days! You talk about life changes! I am so excited to welcome another family member and I cannot wait to love, hold him and spoil him. I am going to enjoy these changes that God has granted me. Being an Aunt has been more than a blessing. It in itself has been life changing. So much love and so much joy. I'll forever be grateful for these life changes. And as the lyrics to the song go..."And I wouldn't change it for the world, the world...oh no".

Support the Fighters/Admire the Survivors/Honor the Taken

It's been a HOT minute since my last entry. In fact two years. With it being the month of October, I felt the need to remind all my lady friends to do their monthly screenings. You see, a few years ago, I too had my own scare. I have talked about before, but thought I would bring to light my own personal experience. I remember doing a self exam and feeling something "off" in my right breast. I had an OB apppintment coming up so I knew that I would make mention of this. Turns out, I didn't have too, because as the doctor who was examinging me, she too felt a lump. The next thing I know, I am being set up for a referral to the Breast Center of Charlotte, NC. I can recall the events of that day very well. My husband went with me to my appointment. We sat in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. I was trying my best to put on a smile and be brave, but I am sure everyone could see through me. Finally the door to the waiting room opens and we hear "Mrs. Welch". Jeremy and I stand up and start to make our way to the door, only to be told that he cannot come with me. You talk about a feeling of complete lonliness and emptiness. From that waiting room I went to another. This waiting room was different. The room felt cold and dark and I could tell the ones who had been there before. There were lockers and other small rooms where I was asked to de-robe and put on a pink hospital gown. I can recall gatching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Truth is, I was scared and even more, I was worried. After I de-robed, I went back and sat in the waiting room. I started looking around. I wondered how many times those other females had been there? I thought about asking the lady in front of me some questions, but then I thought it best not too. I remember praying as I sat there waiting for an ultrasound. I remember the Holy Spirit coming upon me and the cold chills that rushed through my body, as I began to repeat Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. I just kept repeating that verse over and over again. As that verse was on repeat, I hear "you can come with me now." I remember the Ultrasound Tech and how she tried to make conversation with me. I can remember how calm she was. Still that verse kept playing on repeat inside my head. I was trying my best not to look at the screen. Would I even know what to look for? The Ultrasound Tech moved from one breast to the other. Again she remained calm. She then looked at me and stated she would be back with the doctor. Once she left I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Dallas...I said...you are going to be okay. God is with you. There was a knock at the door and again enters the Ultrasound Tech and the Doctor. The Doctor begins his examination. He too makes small talk and has a calmness about him. He then looks at me and says that I have very fiberous breasts and while doing the exmination they also found a cluster of what appears to be cysts in my left breast. The Doctor states that I will need to continually monitor both breasts over the next two years and that I am to follow up with scheduled mammograms. Over the course of two years I would have rountine mammograms done at the Breast Center in Huntersville, NC. These appointments were never easy. Mainly because they were nerve racking at the possibility that something could change. I was in my 30's, and although very rare at that age, Breast Cancer could still be a possibility. I remember most appointments ny husband would try his best to be at. He would sit and patiently wait until the mammograms were done. He was my biggest support system. We would go for celebratory dinners and sometimes he would show up with flowers. Anything to make me feel better. I am blessed to call him mine. I turned the BIG 4-0 in May and I guess that means more mammograms to be scheduled. Through this process I learned just how vital self examinations are and even more how precious is this thing called life. You see that's the thing about cancer. All cancers...they don't discriminate. Cancer doesn't care if your young and living your best life. Cancer doesn't care about the color of your skin. It doesn't care that you are married and have kids. If doesn't care that you had your whole life ahead of you. It doesn't care that your child is just an infant, a toddler, an elementary student, a middle schooler or a senior in High School. You don't choose cancer, it unfortunately chooses you. So tonight I want to support those who are fighting. I choose to admire the survivors and I choose to honor all those who have been taken by this horrible disease. YOUR story matters. YOU matter and everyone needs a support system. Today a co-worker came into work saddened by the loss of a young man from her small town community. While I don't know personally know him, I do know this community has been rocked. My facebook timeline has been flooded with many stories and pictures. Tonight I find my heart breaking for his family and friends. I can't pretend to know the amount of pain and heartache they are facing and it's not my place to act like I do. I just ask that if you find it in your heart, that you would please cover this family in prayer. I urge you tonight to make those doctors appointments if something doesn't feel right. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't allow cancer to take one more life...to take your life. Find a support system. Be a support system. Support those who are fighting. Admire the Survivors and Honor those who are Taken.

Happy Thanksgiving

Tonight I needed to pick up this laptop and write. So that is exactly what I intend to do. There is so much on my mind. 2020 has been a complete uphill climb. So this Thanksgiving is more than needed. It's a gentle to reminder that there is always something to be thankful for. Tonight I am most thankful for precious memories. Memories of Thanksgiving past. Memories of smells and hugs, love and laughter. Memories of family gathered near. Memories of my Mammaw and Pawpaws house. I can see and taste the food as I sit here and type this out. My mouth is watering and I am licking my lips just thinking about it. Mammaw always made the best homemade gravy. No one could out do her sweet tea and you best believe you can't touch her pimento cheese or christmas fudge. To this day, I still don't know her secret. We were each responsible for different food items each Thanksgiving. For example...I always knew Aunt Cindi would be responsible for the Mac and Cheese, Aunt Cheryl would make the mashed potatoes. Mom would always make potato salad and brocoli and rice casserole. Mammaw... the gravy and dressing. Sometimes Mom would make this too. Ohh how I longed for a plate of this food every year. It was something to look forward too. Nothing could compare to this Thanksgiving feast. Simply heaven in your mouth. Ummm smack your momma! This year I find myself longing for that food...I find myself clinging to memories and wondering if Thanksgiving will ever be the same without my grandparents. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't just about the food. It was about spending time with my family...it was about tradition. I miss my Pawpaws hugs, even though he nearly beat my back to death. I miss his crazy stories and his sweet snort when he laughed. I miss his smart wit and character. I miss how he called me Malley. I miss my Mammaw and her always wanting me to give her back rubs. "Not too hard now", I can hear her say. I miss how her eyes would cut accross the room if someone got out of line. I miss the laughter and football games outside on warm Thanksgiving Days. It really is the little things that you miss the most. Don't take the days ahead for granted. Don't take your loved one for granted. Be there every chance you can, for one day, all you will have are memories. So take the stupid pictures, make those phone calls and never pass up an opportunity to visit. TRUST ME...You're going to miss every ounce of it.

To My Mammaw

Today I said my final earthly goodbye to my 85 year old Mammaw, Margaret Anne Dulin. She was reunited with her love, Larry Dulin Senior and her son, John Banks Dulin. A reunion which I am sure was a glorious one. My Mammaw had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and these past few months have been nothing but a battle for her. Not only with her memory, but her health. She dealt with many blood clots which caused her to be in and out of the hospital. On Friday, October 25th, 2019 that battle came to end, as the good Lord called her home. No more Alzheimer's, no more clouded judgement. This Christmas Eve will mark seven years since my Pawpaw was also called home. I can only imagine the look on her face as my Pawpaw embraced her, pulled her close, and called her his "Shug". Today as family and friends filled the church that she and my Pawpaw once attended, lots of emotions were felt. As I peered in the casket where she lay, I couldn't help but think the person laying there looked nothing like her. My Mammaw was always proper and very well dressed. There wasn't much that she would let anyone get away with. Even as her grandchild, you best know that she was watching your every move. You knew you had better be on your best behavior when around her, or I assure you, the rath of Mammaw would rain down upon you. My Mammaw may have been a petite woman, but she didn't take any crap off anyone. TRUST me, you did not cross this woman. Nor did you sit in "her" chair. It's typical for the man of the house to have their own recliner or spot, but in the Dulin household, Mammaw ran the roost! Though a strict disciplinary, my Mammaw also showed compassion and love. I remember her picking me up and placing me in her lap and reading story books. I will never forget the look on her face when she held my son, James in her arms. Her great grandchild. I remember in the seventh grade, after my appendectomy, I was only allowed to take 1/2 days at school. My Mammaw took on the responsibility of picking me up. She would take me back to her house where we would watch soaps together. She let me lay on the couch and rest, which if you knew my Mammaw, you didn't do. Children were to sleep at night, not during the day. During those days at her house, I got to drink sweet tea and eat pimento cheese sandwiches. Nobody makes sweet tea and pimento cheese like my Mammaw! And don't get me started on her fudge! Ummmm, I can taste it now! This evening, after we lay her to rest and made the drive home, tears streamed down my face. Yes, I cried during the service, but these tears were different. These were tears of worry and fear. Worry that the traditions passed down through the years would somehow disappear. Fear that our family, the Dulin family, would simply fall through the cracks. For years and for as long as I can remember it has always been tradition that we join together for lunch on Thanksgiving. On Christmas Eve, we all know we are going to Mammaw and Pawpaw's house for snack foods and presents. It's a given. Now what will become of our family? Our traditions? My heart is saddened. So many questions. My Pawpaw and my Mammaw were the glue that held us together. I don't want those traditions to simply fade away. I don't want to be that family that only sees one another at weddings or a funeral. I want those traditions to continue. I want my Mammaw and Pawpaw to know that they have instilled values in us and that we will continue to take pride in the Dulin name. I want my son and his cousins to remember where those traditions started, so that they too can have traditions of their own. I don't want my family to disappear. We already have so many things that we take for granted. Family shouldn't be one. I keep asking God to send me a sign that all will be okay. I kept looking today at the grave site...just show me a deer Lord...just one deer. I have yet to see any, but I know God will not disappoint. He never does. While its tempting for me to ask for a sign, I know that my Mammaw and Pawpaw are looking down upon us. I know that they love us and they know that we love them. There presence will be greatly missed in the days ahead. I pray that their memory lives on within each of us. I pray for my Dad and my Aunts. I pray that God grants them strength, wisdom and understanding. I pray that God would mend their broken hearts. I pray that our family would only grow closer together. I pray that I always cherish having Anne as my middle name. I pray that I never forget time spent at the beach surrounded by my loved ones and the memories are forever etched in my mind. The beach house at Oak Island will always hold a special place in my heart. When I walk the beach, I will remember the fishing boat "Lady D", I will remember the sea shells we gathered and placed on the front porch. I will remember the ocean air that blew through my hair in the front bedroom and how we fault over who would sleep in that room. I will remember the hard work poured into that house and how our family built it with their own hands. I will look for your foot prints in the sand, and I will know that you are watching over me. And someday, if it be God's will, I pray that funds be provided, so that house that is so dear to me, will once again be a part of our family. May you know that you are loved and greatly missed. You will always be our Mom, Mammaw, Memaw and Nana...Until we meet again!