Goodbye to my Gunnar

As many of you now know, Jeremy and I made one of the most difficult decisions of our lives yesterday afternoon. My Gunnar is now gone. I picture him up there in Heaven running around with all the dogs that have gone before. The only thing that helps get me through this is knowing my Gunnie Guns is no longer in pain. I guess the only way I know how to describe this sort of pain is by telling you I feel like I have lost a very close loved one. I have been trying to concentrate on other things, but it is hard. I can still feel the lump swelling up in my throat. Many of you have asked what exactly happened. I think this came as a shock to all of us. Nothing can prepare you enough to tell someone you love goodbye, even if that someone is a family pet. To me, Gunnar was much more than that. He was my campanion through and through. He was my big baby, a brother, my ultimate snuggle buddy and our protector. It's funny how empty your house can seem in one day.
Since many have asked what happened, I suppose I will tell. The thing is I am not exactly sure myself. A little over a week ago I let Gunnar out as usual so he could go "potty" He normally stays in the yard and comes right back in after doing his business. On this day though, there just so happened to be a cat in the yard. So of course, Gunnar and his hunting instincts kicked in. Gunnar tore off running and thus my screaming for him to get back begin. I followed him into the neighbors yard and Gunnar came limping back. The limping lasted all night, but I really didn't think much of it b/c Gunnar acted fine. The next day in fact, he was fine. Back to his normal self and galloping around as usual. Two days past and then one morning he could barrly get up to walk. If he did walk he would not put pressure on his back right paw. I thought maybe it was arthristis or maybe he had done something to his leg. The same afternoon, he begin to perk up, so again Jeremy and I didn't think anything. The next morning was even worse though, Gunnar did not want to move. That afternoon Mom, James and I went to the Southern Christmas Show and when we were done I was expecting to come home to find Gunnar and Jeremy at the house. When I walked in and they were not there, I knew something was definitely wrong. I called Jeremy and sure enough they were at the Animal Hospital just right up the street.
Jeremy and Gunnar came home about 30 minutes later. The doctor had done an x-ray and found that Gunnar had a slipped disc in his back. He gave him some medication and we were told it should help and just have Gunnar take it easy. I was amazed at how much better Gunnar was feeling the next day and of course, Gunnar being the active dog that he is, was enjoying it too. We tried to have him lay down as much as possible and I would literally lay in the floor and love on him. After all, I just wanted my Gusky to feel better. That night, as usual, I covered him up and told him I loved him and would see him in the morning. Morning did come, but Gunnar again could not walk. I tried moving his back paws, but Gunnar acted like he could not even feel them. Jeremy literally had to pick Gunnar up and carry him outside to use the bathroom. Gunnar needed help doing this though. That's when I really knew something was wrong, that and the fact that Gunnar was now whining. That night things progressively got worse. Gunnar was trying so hard to get up that he literally cut open his feet from trying to move his back paws. When I went into our bedroom to check on him I also noticed rectal bleeding. That is when panic began to set in and again Jeremy called and we set up an appointment for that morning (yesterday 11-22-10). He had to be there first thing in the morning, so Jeremy went and dropped him off and was told the doctor would give him a call a little later. I was just thinking more medicine and hopefully that would cure everything as long as Gunnar took it easy. Two hours came to pass and Jeremy finely got the call. He called me from work and I could tell by his voice that things were not good. The doctor told him that paralysis had set in and that Gunnar had no feeling whatsoever in his back feet. He said that medicine alone would not work and they would have to do an MRI to find out if back surgery could even be performed. That alone was going to be $2000. Jeremy asked what I thought we should do and I immediately lost it. He told me to pray about it and then he would call me back. I sat there for a good while wondering how you pray about something like that. How do you make the decision to put your own dog down? I felt like I was playing God. Like there was an experation date for Gunnar and Jeremy and I were the ones with the stamp. I thought about the surgery and if it would even help. I knew Gunnar would no longer be able to go out and run around like he used to. No more playing fetch and no more jumping on the couch or bed to snuggle with me. Then I thought, what if they do the MRI and surgery can't be performed, then what? I kept telling myself not to be selfesh. After praying and crying my eyes out, I finally made the decision that I no longer wanted my baby to suffer, it was time to say goodbye. Was this the decision I wanted to make? Absolutely not! Jeremy called me about an hour later and we both agreed it was best to say goodbye. This was killing me inside. Jeremy said he would finish up at work and come home. I told him I couldn't do this alone. Normally I am so happy to see my hubby pull in the driveway, but not yesterday. I immediately burst into tears. Jeremy too was crying when he walked through the door. We had to wait until 2:00 for the doctor to get in. I don't know what was worse, waiting to tell Gunnar goodbye or atually telling him goodbye. When we arrived at the Hospital I felt so sick to my stomach. I felt like I completely let my Gunnar down. We walked in and I could see them bring Gunnar out. We walked through the double doors and there was my baby laying in the floor and looking up at me. I was praying for the strength to make it through this. Gunnar had no idea what was going on. I wanted so much to take his place and take all the pain away from him. I kept thinking, is this our only option? We are his parents and we are supposed to be there for him.
I bent down and kissed his little forehead, I held on to him so tight and told him over and over again, "Momma loves you" I rubbed his paws and he laid his head in my lap. We had James give him love for the last time and Jeremy bent over and told him what a good dog he had been. Jeremy asked if I wanted to be there when they did the procedure and I said yes. As we all set there and waited for the doctor to come in, I thought about all the things I was going to miss. I thought about him no longer having to suffer and I could feel God's presence in the room with us. The doctor came in and gave him the first of two shots. The first shot would make him really sleepy. Gunnar just looked up at me, as if to say it's okay Momma and Daddy, it's okay. Then the next shot. I couldn't watch, I just kept looking into Gunnar's eyes and right before he took his last breathe, I really did see a light in his eyes. I don't know if dog's go to Heaven, but that is sure what it looked like to me. I like to think that they do. The nurse finally said he is completely gone and Jeremy and I both lost it. We were told we could have him burried in the pet cementary in Cherryville, NC or we could have his ashes. Jeremy and I opted to get his ashes. We plan on scattering them in the back yard, where Gunnar loved to run around and play.
I don't know how to describe the feeling I had leaving there. I suppose if I had to pick just one word, it would be empty. I opened the car door and there was Gunnar's leash sitting on the console. This was going to be a rough day. We came home and Jeremy immediately starting putting Gunnar's stuff away. I walked in the laundry room and saw Gunnar's throw toy and ball and lost it all over again. I looked outside and realized we would no longer get to the throw the ball to him. I guess you could say we all cried on and off all day yesterday. I think what really hit us both though, was when James walked into the laundry room and realized Gunnar's water bowl was no longer there. He came out and started yelling "Gunnar" over and over again. I had to tell him, I am sorry baby, but Gunnar's not here. How can I explain this to my 20 month old son? 8:00 came, Gunnar's dinner time and again I lost it. I will miss his whining when he knew he wasn't being feed on time. Bedtime rolled around and there was no telling Gunnar goodnight and that I will see him in the morning. There was no good morning wake up from Gunnar this morning when Jeremy's alarm went off and there was no snuggling with Gunnar in the bed after Jeremy left for work. There was simply just silence. Sometimes I swear I still hear him in the living room, licking himself, which I swear was so annoying, but right now I would give anything to hear and tell him, Gunnar stop. Jeremy and I layed in bed last night and I told Jeremy I knew Gunnar loved him.
I just hope my Gunnar knows how much we love him and how much he will be missed by all. Gunnar you were a good boy. I will NEVER forget you. I am so blessed that we got to be your parents. You were here for the ups and downs and always knew how to put a smile on our face. If you are in Heaven, I like to picture you up there running around and wagging that little tail of yours. I will miss snuggling up to you whenever I want. I will miss not playing fetch, I will miss not sneaking you food behind Daddy's back, I will miss you not barking every time there is a knock at the door, I will miss you not going for a ride with us, but most of all, I will miss what a sweet and loving dog you were. You will forever be Momma's baby! RIP Gunnar Welch! We love and miss you terribly!
-Momma, Daddy and James-