Two Years Ago Today...

Two years ago today Jeremy and I made one of the most difficult decisions of our life. We decided we needed to put our dog, Gunnar down. This was by no means an easy decision and to this day our decision still haunts me. I find myself asking was there more that we could have done? I often think of Gunnar and to this day I still miss him like crazy! Those wet little kisses are mostly missed and sometimes I think I can still hear him. I know some people think that I am crazy to miss a dog so much, but unless you have had a pet that is/has been very near and dear to your heart, then there is no understanding this. Gunnar was much more then a pet, he was a part of our family. He was my campion and someone who loved me unconditionally.
Today I had to take our dog, Ferb to the vet to have him checked for mites. I wish I could explain the feeling that came over me as I was driving him down the road. My mind mostly drifted off to how I was feeling that day exactly two years ago. I can still remember laying in the floor with Gunnar as he took his last breathe and became lifeless. I will NEVER forget the light that left his eyes as I laid there and held his little paw. He was a good boy...that is what I kept saying over and over again. I remember leaving there feeling so empty inside. This was the week of Thanksgiving and I was supposed to be thankful? Boy was I far from it.
Today I am thankful I was just taking Ferb for a rountine check up. Luckily he didn't have mites and it is just allergies. The bill I could do without, but at least this time I wasn't leaving empty handed and heart broken. I still have my Ferb. He might be one the CrAzIeSt dogs I have ever had, but Lord knows I love him! Ferbmister...that is just one of many nicknames. He is one of the most hyper active dogs-there is simply no denying that! I wish I could say that Jeremy and I have opened our hearts to love Ferb like we loved our Gunnar, but honeslty I cannot. I don't know if it is becasuse I am scared to love that much again or if my heart can never fully mend from losing Gunnar. They say time heals all wounds, but when you really love something/someone like I loved my Gunnar, I am not sure if that saying is actually true.
I have always pictured Gunnar up in Dog Heaven running around and playing catch like he used too. I can see that little bobbed tail just a waggin! Momma misses you Gunnar, but I know I will see you one day soon! Until then, know that you are loved and missed beyond measure!

Caught Up in the Moment

Nothing can describe how I feel when my three year old son, James snuggles up close to me. I get lost in the moment. I think about when he was a newborn and how at times I would hold him up close in my arms and imagine the little boy he might grow into. He is everything I thought he would be and more. I hope the day never comes when those precious snuggles go away. For a moment all the stress of the world seems to disappear and I am at peace with myself. I pull my son close and cling to him. I can feel the warmth of his little body up against mine and it simply puts a smile on my face. I catch a little tickle from his hair and the smell of baby shampoo seems to fill the air. I wish I could somehow save all these little moments. I gently wrap my arms around him and take hold of those innocent hands, I squeeze his little fingers. I am caught up in the moment.

Thankful

With the holiday season quickly approaching, I am reminded of all that I am thankful for. So many times I forget just how truly I am blessed. It is not until I lay my head down at night, that I realize just how much God has given me. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. For starters my family, for without them I don't know what I would do. They love and support me despise all my faults and weaknesses. My husband is a God send, and I could not have asked for a better father to my son. He provides for our family and does it all without complaining. Even when I did not have a job, he was there to back me up 100%. I am truly thankful to God for bringing him into my life and I cannot ever imagine him not being there.
I am thankful for my wonderful and precious son, James, who ALWAYS knows how to brighten my day. One look into those BIG BLUE BEAUTIFUL eyes of his and your heart just melts. I am thankful for all the hugs and kisses that he gives me and I hope and pray that as the years go by, those never go away. I love my little Butterbean!
I am thankful for my job as a nanny and God allowing me this opportunity to help provide for my family. I am thankful for four wonderful and crazy kids named Sierra, Jax, Wyatt and Ivy. I am thankful for my boss, Carolyn. I am thankful for two puppies named Ruby and Jade. There is never a dull moment working as a nanny!
I am thankful that God has provided shelter, food and warm clothes. I think about that a lot each night as I lay in my warm, cozy bed. How many times do we take this forgranted? There are so many out there much less fortunate then I. Thank you God for all that you have bestowed upon me and thank you Lord for your un-failing love. You give me so much more then I could ever deserve! I am truly THANKFUL!