One Last Christmas Gift...A Tribute To My Pawpaw

 I must admit that it has been a bittersweet Chirstmas for my family and I. As many of you may or may not know, my Pawpaw, Larry Dulin Sr. went home to be with our Lord on Christmas Eve. It has been a week of preparing ourselves for the difficult news and events to follow. I wish I could put into words all the emotions that have been felt these past couple of days. It has been a time of sorrow and joy all wrapped up in one long roller coaster ride. You see, we first got news of my Pawpaw being diagnosed with cancer last Monday night, and within a weeks time, he is now gone. I have spent most of my time thinking of my Mammaw and the pain she must endure within the upcoming weeks. Jeremy and I will have been married for seven years this upcoming February. I can only imagine the pain she must feel to no longer have her husband and best friend right by her side. This literally breaks my heart and it is my prayer that God will give her the strength to make it through this. My Pawpaw always called my Mammaw shug. I can hear him right now..."I love you Shug". I have recalled stories that my Pappaw would tell over and over again and can hear his laughter and little snort that he always had. No one could tell stories quite like my Pawpaw. He has a way of drawing you in and I am blessed in the fact that my son, James, inherited some of those traits. I think about the 30 years I have had to spend with my Pawpaw and getting to know him. What an honor it has been. He is a humble man, and never in my life have I ever met someone as hardworking and knowledgable as he. He would bend over backwords for his family and friends. There is no denying that. As the days pass, his presence will be missed. My family has cried and laughed and laughed and cried. There is no replacing him, but we can all rejoice in fact that he is in Heaven and no longer suffering. He was reunited with his son, John, on Christmas Eve and I can only imagine what Christmas must have been like for the both of them. Ohh what a birthday party that must have been! To see our Savior and Lord face to face! We can also rejoice in the fact, that as believers ourself, we will get to see our Pawpaw's sweet face again!
My pawpaw was a jokestar and as we gathered down at our Pawpaw and Mammaws house on Christmas Eve, like we do every year, he was going to make his presence known. Yes, this was hard, and yes our family fought back the tears, but it was good getting to spend time with my family as we paid tribute to my Pawpaw's life. There were no presents wrapped under the tree that said to Anne from Larry or vice versa. I guess my grandparents had told one another not to get any gifts for themselves, but if you know my Pawpaw, he would do anything to make his Shug happy. After our family filled up on food and the gifts were passed out to the grandkids...there was one last gift. It was a gift from my Pawpaw to my Mammaw. My Mammaw took the gift and the tears imediately filled her eyes and she read the gift tag. The room became silent and all eyes were fixed upon her. She slowly started un wrapping and before you know it she finally made her way to her prized pocession. Nope...thats not like my Pawpaw. It was a gift inside of another gift. There was more unwapping to be done. My Mammaws hands were fragile as she handled the perfectly wrapped gift and she slowly started to open the next. She had to have a little help from my Aunt Cindi. They both cut into the paper and what we all thought was going to be her gift was another gift wrapped box inside the other. You couldn't help but laugh and cry all at the same time. My Pawpaw had made his presence known. Finally my Mammaw made her way through the final gift wrap and as she slowly opened what would be her final Chirtsmas gift from my Pawpaw, her heart was filled with joy. It was a BEAUTIFUL gold diamond ring. My Mammaw slipped onto her small and fragile finger and gazed upon it for awhile. It was simply perfect, just like his love for her.
Pawpaw you will be missed, but never forgotten! You are loved more then you could possibly know and I am blessed to have had you in my life.

Prayers are with you Newtown, CT

In light of yesterday's tragic events in CT, I kept coming back to the following song by Tenth Avenue North. They are a Christian band and I thought the lyrics were very fitting. I don't know what causes a person to act out in so much anger and hate, much less take the lives of innocent children. I know there a lot of people asking why? The truth of the matter is, I don't have an explantion, nor an answer. The only thing I can say is that God is still on his thrown. He still reigns and if anyone can understand our hurt and pain it is him.
Yesterday will forever be a day that impacted our lives. Whether you live in Newtown CT, live in NC, have children or your own, or do not, we were all impacted. I first got the news when I sat down to check my email. My son, James was standing right there beside me, and as the tears slowly began to run down my face, I heard his sweet voice say "What's wrong Mommy?" How do you explain this to your three year old? I grabbed him, pulled him in thight and slowly whispered "I just don't know why people are so mean sometimes." I sat there for a minute clinching to my son and as I stared at him, I thought to myself, what if it were us? What if our lives had been turned upside down in literally one day? What if I no longer had my son? I cannot even begin to imgaine the pain these families, friends and loved ones are feeling and I will not sit here and pretend that I do. I wouldn't even know where to begin. You might as well dig a grave for me too. There were many emotions felt yesterday and still are being felt at this very moment.
I keep looking at my son and praising the Lord over and over again that he is with me today and I get to hold and squeeze his little hands one more time. I keep thinking about the gunman and what must have been going through his mind. What could make a person do something like this? I keep thinking about all the students and faculty on staff yesterday morning and how their lives will be forever changed. How can they ever get this horrific event out of their minds? I think about the families and what it must have been like to get that call, or to turn the news on and see that your childs school is under attack. I can't help but to feel scared myself. Is there anywhere safe now?
My heart is truly broken. It is my prayer that forgiveness can overcome evil. I pray that hearts can mend and that all those affected can find peace in knowing that God is right there with them. My heart is with you Newtown, Connecticut.

"Losing"

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Oh, no!

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

[x2]
Oh, Father won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Yeah, I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losin'

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losing

Wishing I Could Stop Time

Had a sentimental moment while cleaning James room. I was reminded of good times...I remember picking out the paint colors for his room and how Jeremy and I painted this. I looked at his stuffed animals and photo frames and was reminded of his baby showers. I looked at his stroller and his car seat tucked away in the corner and it hit me just how fast he has grown up. I cannot believe my little Butterbean will be 4 years old in March! Where does the time go? I was saddened to think that Jeremy and I may not ever have another. Wishing financial circumstances could be different and that I was where I wanted to be health wise. I thank God for that precious MIRACLE and I hope and pray that each time I enter his room that I am reminded of his love. I hope those memories never go away. I hope that God will continue to allow me to have these little moments, moments that I ponder and treasure in my heart. James you are growing up WAY too fast! If only I could stop time!

I look at you and I see the spunky little three year old that you are and I cannot help, but to stop and thank God for all that he has done. You are so precious to me, and I pray that I never take that forgranted. I remember my Mom always telling me that you don't know what it is like to love someone until you have a child of your own. Boy was she right. Sometimes I sneak into his room at night just before going to bed myself and I see that sweet innocent face...and I think to myself..."Is he really mine?" I don't know why God choose me, Dallas, to bring this sweet, precious and loving child into the world, but I will be forever grateful. I cannot imagine my life without him, nor do I want to. God gave me much much more then a son. He gave me a precious MIRACLE! I never imagined having a little boy. I always pictured myself raising a little girl, I even had her name picked out, Savannah Nichole. That is what we would call her. Much to my surprise, I knew the moment I found out I was pregnant that I was having a little boy. Forget the pink, it's time to start thinking BLUE!

I remember thinking about what he would like look, what his little personality would be, what might his first word be. All those things seem to gather in your mind. He is everything I thought and much more. He gets his wits from his Daddy and well, his good looks of course come from me! Haha! One things is for sure, when he bats those BIG BLUE eyes at you, your heart just melts. Little stinker has conned his way with things, that's for sure. I guess I am a sucker for blue eyes and puckered little lips.

Don't let Jeremy fool you either, James has his way of conning him into saying yes too. Maybe I should start doing that myself...I wonder if that would work for Jeremy? Hummm...I am thinking back rub right about now. (Insert lip pucker right here) LOL

I hope my son knows just how much his Mommy and Daddy love him! James, I promise to love you as long as God lets me. You my Angel, Butterbean, Stinkbug, Peanut Butter Cup, Snicker Doodle and Snuggle Buddy all wrapped up in one! Never forget to let your light shine! You are loved and adored!

-Mommy-