Death

Death is a powerful thing, it grips us in such a way, that sometimes words can't even describe the immense pain we are feeling. It cuts deep like a knife. Your lungs unable to breathe. Your eyes so heavy that you can hardly blink. Death is inevitable whether we like it or not. Some will go on to live long lives, while others lives are short lived. Truth of the matter is, we don't know when death will come knocking at our door. It often makes me wonder, would we live our lives differently if we knew the exact moment, even down to the very second we would pass? How differently would we treat one another? Today I received news of someone that passed in a car accident. Someone crossed the center line and their was a head on collision. In an instant, that person lost their life. Gone... I thought about the family and the pain they will endure in the upcoming days. Decisions now must be made. Today also marks my Pawpaw, Larry Dulin Sr's Birthday. My mind drifted to my Mawmaw. Christmas Eve will make two years since he went on to be with our Heavenly Father. I thought about what all he did for her while here on this Earth and what a loving Husband and Father he was. I thought about the days after he passed. I thought about how long my grandparents had been married and how much they relied on one another. Most of all, I thought about the empty bed my Mammaw now comes to each night. My Pawpaw is no longer there to embrace her, to wrap his arms around her and hold her tight. The Dinner table is no longer she and my Pawpaw, two sets of silverware, have now become one. Jeremy and I will celebrate nine years together this upcoming February. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without him. It makes me appreciate him that much more. It makes me appreciate life in general. For the family that lost their loved one today, it will affect each and every person in some way, shape or form. The road ahead will not be easy, and life just got a little more bumpy. Questions will be asked and hearts will be burdened. Tears will fall and a pain like no other will now be felt. Lives are forever changed. I don't think there is a time limit when it comes to grieving the loss of a loved one. You don't just get over it in a few days, weeks or months...who is to say you ever will? We each grieve in our own way. No manual needed. And while life seems to cease at the moment, the world moves on with or without us. Death changes us in a way like no other. They say that 1.8 people die each second, that is 108 people per minute, 155,060 per day and 56,597,034 each year. That knife just cut a little deeper. No matter how we put it, death affects each and every one of us. I pray for the family that lost their loved one today. I pray for strength and a peace that passes all understanding. I pray for comfort during this difficult time. There may be some of you out there today dealing with the loss of a loved one. Whether it be in the past, or fairly new, the hurt is still there and it is very real. I would imagine the holiday season doesn't make it any easier. I pray that God would be with you during these trying times. I pray that the memory of your loved ones is never too far from your mind, and I pray that with time all wounds are healed. Family and Friends may come and go, but they will never be forgotten. May their memory live on forever. To my Gramps, Grand Mommy, Great Grandma, Oscar, Uncle John, Gunnar, Rascal and Pawpaw, you are loved and will be forever missed. Until we meet again...

I Can Only Imagine

My hourly pay isn't much and it is a number that I try so hard not to let define me. Though I don't make a ton of money, I am ALWAYS abundantly blessed. My belly is full (really full), I have a roof over my head, a husband who would do anything for me and a son who loves and adores me. With Thanksgiving around the corner, I am again reminded of how truly God blesses me. I am thankful for my past and my future, as God has closed and opened many, many doors. Tonight, after work, I had my stationed tuned in 106.9 the Lite. This is a Christian station located in Asheville, NC. I have heard the song "I Can Only Imagine" many times by the group Mercy Me. But tonight for whatever reason, this song and it's lyrics spoke to me. Never in my life, have I ever been so moved and touched by a song. The Holy Spirit was definitely with me. I pulled in the drive, parked my car and sat and listened while God spoke to me through those very lyrics I have heard over and over. I sat in awe as tears streamed down my face. Not because I was sad, but because I fervently listened. I don't care if you are pink, purple, black, white, gay, straight, fat or skinny...you have to believe there is a higher power. That you do have a purpose. The song, "I Can Only Imagine" helps to put all things in perspective for me. I do believe there is a God, I am his child and I do have a purpose. The song goes on to say "Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still?" "Will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all" "I can only imagine" For right now, I can only imagine what that very day will be like. The day, I leave my temporary home and come face to face with my Creator, Lord, Savior and King. I imagine it will be a day filled with much joy. To hear those words "well done my good and faithful servant" Ohh what sweet words those will be. I can't wait to hug my loved ones necks, ask God all the questions I have ever wanted to ask, play fetch with my Oscar and Gunnar, talk to Saint Pete, walk those streets of gold, sing and dance. When I think of what Heaven might actually be like, my mind could go on for days. Until that glorious day comes, I will sit an imagine, imagine and think...What will it be like?

Big Blue Eyes

Tonight is date night with my little man. Jeremy is wrapped up in a business meeting (fancy dinner that is). It is frozen pizza for me and my date, but I don't mind...less cooking and cleaning for me. "Yes! Pepperoni pizza" that is what I over hear James say as I pulled this out of the freezer and placed it on the baking stone. Pure Laziness...I know! While dinner was cooking we started on his homework. And yes...we do have homework, even in kindergarten. James wrote his numbers 0-5 three times and then spelt his name once more for me. After this we read two books and then went over his words for the month. I try my best to make this as interesting as possible for him. He seems to like school pretty well so far. I am so proud of him. James is so smart (he must get it from me-ha!). After homework, we stuffed our faces with yummy pizza and then James decided on a movie. Sea Level for the 100,000,000th time. Personally I don't see his interest in this movie, but then again I haven't been five in quite sometime. As we sat and watched, my mind slowly drifted to other things. I turned my head and caught a glimpse of James just sitting there watching...simply amazed. Those BIG BLUE eyes don't miss a beat. His hair is getting long again and his beautiful locks are dangling in his long eyelashes. He doesn't seem to mind, still he sits and watches. He is lost in a world of wildly beautiful sea creatures. He laughs and I can't help but smile. I cannot believe how fast he is growing up. I swear it has gone by in just the blink of an eye. They say as you get older, the faster time goes. I am starting to believe this. Still, I look into my sons eyes and I am taken back...back to the first time I got to look at him and hold him. The day God gave my life more meaning and purpose. The day, Jeremy and I became first time parents. I hope those eyes of his are always a reminder. Those Big Blue Eyes...I am lost in pure happiness.

Hear My Broken Halleluiah

Lord, this week I have been let down, I have been stressed, I have done my fair share of grumbling and complaining, I have mumbled under my breath, I have literally wanted to punch someone in their face and Lord above all else, I have not been the best witness for you. I know you are there Lord and I know you hear my every thought and plea. I know you have a plan and a purpose for me Lord. But right now I am asking for understanding. At this time, I bring all my burdens to you Lord. I come to you Lord and I ask for financial blessings. I ask that you would give me a peace that passes all understanding. I ask that you lead and guide me to where you want me to be. Lord, not my will, but yours be done. I ask that you help me not to complain and to help me to see beauty in all that you do. I ask that you please take this anxiety that I have in regards to my son starting school away. Please Lord, give me peace of mind. I also come to you Lord and I ask that you please be with all those that are sick this week. Whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally Lord. Please let all those know that you are there and that you are NEVER too busy or too far away to hear their prayers. Help me to be grateful and not to mumble. I know you make beauty from these ashes. Father God, I ask that you please be with my family and all my friends. Help us to count our blessings. May your favor be upon us. I pray for all those with children that are starting school in the up coming weeks. I pray that every need be met. Lord I come to you and I ask that you please be with all my co-workers, as we ALL get burnt out from time to time. I pray that spirits would be lifted, that problems would be solved, that we pull together as a team and not put one another down. I ask that the gossip and the negative comments go away, and that we would stand up when things are not right. I ask that financial burdens disappear. I pray for all those that are hungry tonight;hungry both physically and spiritually...may their plates, bellies, minds and hearts be filled. I pray that you use me as your vessel Lord. Let me think before I speak. Remind me to put myself in other's shoes. Please make me strong where I am weak. But please Lord... Most of all I ask that you please hear my broken halleluiah.

If He Brought You To It, He'll Bring You Through It

This week I have been reminded as to how fragile and precious our lives are. This week has been a struggle for many and I know even now as I type this many more hardships are taking place. I know God never promised this life would be easy, but sometimes we just have to ask "why"? We may not know the "why" and sometimes we might not ever get an answer. Truth of the matter is, regardless of the "why", I know my God is in control. He knows our hearts desire and he sees our struggles. He knows every need before we even speak them. If there is one thing I am grateful for in this life, that is my salvation. I learned this week that one of my co-workers lost her brother in a fatal car accident. He is the father of four children, and though I don't know his name, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain his family and friends are dealing with at this very moment. I look at my son and my husband and I simply cannot imagine or even begin to fathom my life without them. My heart breaks and it is all I can do to keep from crying. Another co-worker lost her Dad today. He was a resident at our facility. The look on her face is now embedded in my mind. As I learned of the news from her, I couldn't help but to tear up myself. No one ever said it would be easy... Today I have also had my mind on my sister in law, as she makes her drive to Kansas to say her final goodbye's to her Dad. I have tried to put myself in her shoes and I simply just don't know if I could do it. She has had a tough year and I have seen her struggles. I know her heart is breaking right now. Still no one ever said it would be easy... As we lay our heads down tonight, I know more bad news will come to families across the world. Maybe a loved one has passed, maybe a relationship has gone south and you don't know how to pick up the pieces, maybe we are having a difficult time forgiving ourselves, whatever the hardship, I know my God is faithful. Still no one ever said it would be easy... It is my prayer that as we face a new day that we tell those we love how much they mean to us. We are never promised tomorrow and this I promise you, things can change in the blink of an eye. I would imagine there are millions of people who live with that regret every day. Please don't let the moment pass you bye. Don't put it off until tomorrow, say it now. No one ever said it would be easy... I pray for my co-workers and I pray for my sister in law, that God will bring them peace and comfort during these difficult times. I pray for a peace that passes all understanding. I pray that I never forget how very precious our lives are. I pray for all those with hardships at this very moment, I pray you know that you are not alone. God never sends you a situation to face on your on. He was there before, he is there now, and he will be behind you. I firmly believe that if he brought you to it, he will bring you through it. It is by his Grace and his Grace alone that we overcome all obstacles. No one ever said it would be easy... This week I ask that everyone take a look around them. Look at all the things God has given you. Count your blessings. I guarantee God will amaze you, even through the hardships. Praise him in the storm, raise your hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. No one ever said it would be easy, but you can trust that if God brought you to it, he will bring you through it.

Turning Five

It is the year 2014 and my mini me just turned five years of age. His birthday is March 21st 2009. He is the love of my life, my world...my everything and his name is James. I took the day off work so we could be together on his birthday. Whatever he wants...he was to get. We started off by getting ready and then took the drive into Huntersville. "Chickfila, that is what I want for my birthday lunch Mommy." So Chickfila it was. He downed their famous chicken sandwich and waffle fries. Then it was off to their indoor play area. "Mommy come with me" he said with a huge smile on his face. We stayed and he played for nearly 20 minutes. He even managed to make a few friends while we were there. After lunch we headed to Target...it was now time to pick out the perfect birthday toy. Up and down the aisle we went. His eyes wide open with amazement. "Ohh Mommy, I like this" those would be the words to follow. I think it is funny how well my son knows me, as his next words were "Mommy is this on clearance?" Clearance or not, my Angel would get anything he wanted (within means of course). James ended up settling on the Cut Rope Game. "Mommy I have wanted this for awhile now"...Me..."And it is on clearance!" We continued to walk the toy aisle and I added to the cart without his knowledge. We continued our shopping spree for a little while longer when James uttered the words "Mom, I am thirsty". After checking out, we made our way over to the snack counter...time to fill up on Icee's. "I'll take mine mixed Mommy" "Mommy you are the best" "Thank you Mommy"... We loaded up the car and off to Kohls we went. Back to the toy aisle. I just so happened to find more clearance...add to cart. Once we finished up our shopping at Kohls, we headed to Walmart. Walmart...our home away from home! No more toys, but I did manage to find more clearance items. This time I treated myself. I also had James pick out a cupcake. Later we would sing Happy Birthday. After our Walmart Adventure we decided to head home, but not before stopping by the new dollar store. Time to pick out some balloons! James decided on three and then off we went. We got home around 4:30. This gave us just enough time to get ready for T-ball practice and for James to play video games. I must admit he is pretty good. Quite honestly, he could probably kick my butt any day. Jeremy arrived home around 5:15 and then we made a mad dash to the baseball fields. I sat with some of the other team Moms while they practiced. I couldn't help but to reflect not only on the day, but the past couple of years. My baby is growing up. Five may not seem like a milestone for some, but to this Mom, it most definitely is. My Butterbean will start school this year! I sit and stare at this Miracle that God has given to me and I cannot help but to be full of joy and saddened at the same time. It was a bittersweet day to say the least. Blessed to have another year with my son, but sad that he is yet another year older. After t-ball, James asked if we could go to MC-ADD-DONALDS for dinner. Jeremy agreed and off to McDonalds we went. Give this kid a cheeseburger happy meal and it's like you have conquered the world. After stuffing our faces, it was time for James birthday cupcake. I lit the candle and grabbed my camera. James sit and starred in awe at the shimmering glow. Jeremy and I sang Happy Birthday. We told James to "Make a wish" and poof...out the candle went. James proceeded to lick all the icing off and then the rest of the cupcake made it's way to the trash. Needless to say his face was now a master piece of sugary sweetness. It was a great day all in all. The night ended with full bellies and lots of laughter. So thankful for another year. Even more thankful that I get to call James mine. What a blessing it is. Welcome to FIVE!

Looking Back

Its funny how quickly four years can go by. I started this blog in the year 2010. Sometimes I go back and I will read what I wrote from time to time. It amazes me the changes I have gone through and how much I personally have grown. Things that mattered to me four years ago might not seem as important today. I have seen friends come and go. I have watched my spunky and resilient little boy grow up and cannot believe he will turn five this year. I have faced many challenges, had ups and downs, changed jobs, laughed and cried. More importantly I have learned so much about myself. I have learned what my strengths and weaknesses are. I have learned that I cant do it all by myself. I have learned to say I can when four years ago, I would have said can't or won't. I have learned to stand up for myself and no longer let people walk on top of me. I have learned when to say yes and when to say no. I have learned to fight for what I believe in. I have learned that I am stronger than I think I am. I have learned that relying and listening to the Lord and allowing things to happen in his timing will ALWAYS be best for me. I could go on for days about how much I have grown as a person, but I won't. I simply want to say that sometimes it is good to go back and reflect on your past. I like to see where I have come from and where I am going. Some people say it is a mistake to dwell on the past...I don't really see it as that. Everything has a place and a time and I have always believed that things happen for a reason. I believe we are like opened books with blank pages. We are cast different rolls in this life and it is up to us how we fill in those blank pages. Each one of us has a story to tell. In the future I hope I can look back and see all those pages in my book being filled. I want to say I lived a good life and that I loved with all my heart. I hope to again see how much I have grown as a person. Once those pages start to finally come to an end, I hope I can look back and say...it was a good one.

The Ring On My Finger...

Love bares all things, believes all things, endures all things, hopes all things...Love never fails. That is the verse that comes to mind when I find myself starring at my Wedding ring. I am taken back to the day that Jeremy proposed to me. That was nearly ten years ago and I can still recall that very moment. He proposed to me on Holden Beach in July of 2004. I had been there with my cousin, Kristin and Jeremy met us later in the week. We spent most of the day at Myrtle Beach visiting gift shops and eating out. It wasn't until later that evening that he proposed. On our drive back to Holden Beach, the weather started to get really stormy. When we got back to our beach house, Jeremy insisted that we go for a walk on the beach. By this time it was thundering and lightening and I literally thought he was out of his ever lovin mind. Yeah...lets take a walk on the beach next to all that ocean water...I am game for being electrocuted today. Thankfully I took that walk with him. I might have even asked my cousin to come along with us (the dork that I am), luckily she knew ahead of time what was about to happen. Jeremy grabbed a towel out of his truck and off we went. We started walking and then Jeremy asked if I wanted to sit for a little bit. I sat down first and then Jeremy sat down behind me with his arms wrapped around me. We sat in silence for a moment and then Jeremy started asking me all kinds of questions. I can't recall all his questions, but I do remember the one that means the most...Dallas will you marry me?!? He opened the box my ring was sitting in and I immediately said yes. It was BEAUTIFUL. Simply perfect. He placed the ring on my finger and excitedly I sat and stared. By the way ladies...he went to Jared!!! As luck would have it, I just so happened to have a camera on me and had another couple take a picture of us right after he proposed. I will never forget that night. We were about to start planning our future together. Time to pick out a wedding date...our very lives were about to change. I cannot thank God enough for this wonderful Man he has given me. I am truly one blessed woman. He loves me despite my many faults. He sees beauty when I can not. I love this Man of mine! I look at this ring on my finger and I know it is not just a ring. It is a symbol of Jeremy's love for me. It is a sign of our commitment to one another. It is a reminder of the promise we made to one another when I first accepted the ring and when I first said "I Do." This ring is an ongoing reminder that I have someone who loves me. It is not about my own commitments and efforts, but a commitment we made to one another and to God. I think so many times that people take that for granted. I pray I never forget what this ring means and that every time I look at it, I am reminded of our love for one another. I pray those memories are never to far, for it's not just a ring on my finger, but my Wedding ring, a simple reminder that love never fails.

It's the Simple Things

It's the simple things that can sometimes have the most impact on you. Today, I was reminded yet again of all of life's blessings. I was getting into my car while on my lunch break and saw where my four year old, James, had drawn little pictures on my nasty, dirty car. I couldn't help but to smile. Such innocence of a child. His little drawings might not seem like to much to the average person, but for a moment I was reminded of how much I love that little booger and what he means to me. I am so very blessed to have him in my life, but even more blessed to be called his Mother. Sometimes I literally feel as if my heart could burst from so much joy. There is never a dull moment. That sweet child of mine can light up my face like no other. In late March my baby boy turns five. FIVE! Sometimes I swear it seems like just yesterday Jeremy and I were picking out paint colors for his room. We were preparing for James to make his grand entrance. Sometimes I catch myself just sitting and starring at him from across the room. In a trance I go. I stand in awe in his presence. Simply captivated. He is mine, my Butterbean, my Miracle and even though nearly five years have come to pass since I first laid eyes on him, I still cannot believe he is mine. I thank God for those little moments, but even more, I thank him for blessing me with my son. Thank you Lord for all the little things-those precious reminders of all of life's blessings.

STUPID Cancer

I am writing this today with a very heavy heart. It seems our family dog, Rascal, has been diagnosed with bone marrow cancer. I keep hoping and praying that the doctors are misinformed and it's something treatable. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I have cried in the past few days. As I type these very words, I can feel the lump rising up in the back of my throat. I feel like I am in the same spot I was a few years ago, when we had to tell our sweet Gunnar bye. I am just not ready for this. That day keeps playing over and over in my head. I try so hard not to think about it, but it is never to far from my mind. I love that little dog. He is not just a pet, but a part of our family. I can hear the little pitter patter of his feet right now. I love you Rascal! If I have done my math correctly, then I believe Rascal is now 10 years old. We got Rascal when I was still living at home with my parents. You see growing up we always had a dachshund. Before Rascal, we had a dachshund named Oscar. Oscar was my dog and literally followed me everywhere I went. Every night he slept in the bed with me and when we had to say goodbye to him, it literally killed me inside. It was a long time after that, that I even wanted another dog. Living in my parents house, my Dad had literally said "No More Dogs" In order to make him change his mind for months, I placed little notes stating "I want a puppy" in all his belongings. Now when I say all his belongings, I do mean ALL. I placed them in his uniforms, in his wallet, the console of his truck, his shoes, his toothbrush, his beer cans, the toilet paper...you name it and I guarantee you would find a little note. This went on for months, until finally my Mom gave in. I will never forget it. It was Christmas morning and my Mom had wrapped my younger sister and I a gift. We were each to open at the same time. We tore into the wrapping paper like little kids. It was a picture frame with a picture of the most sweetest looking dog ever...he was to be our Rascal. I am immediately starting jumping up and down with excitement, then the flood of tears came. It was and is to this day, the best Christmas ever. We picked up Rascal on New Years Eve. He was just a little ole thing and cute as cute could be. I think my Dad was still up in the air about having another dog in the house, but within a few weeks, you could tell Rascal had melted his heart. We spent the next few days picking out a collar and new leash for him. We had fallen in love. I remember we picked out a black collar with spikes on it. Here Rascal was weighing a whopping three pounds and a nice spike collar to give him some spunk. I can just see him now. Rascal used to love to curl up in the bottom of our shoes and when the dryer would go off we would wrap him up in a nice warm towel. He would be out like a rock. We would fight over who he was going to sleep with. That is something else my Dad had said "NO" too. He was not to sleep in anyone's bed, but rather he was to stay in his crate. Funny thing is....he sleeps in the bed with my Mom and Dad now. Matter of fact, my Dad would do anything for that dog. His little "Bushsky" that's what he calls him. Rascal has so many nicknames now...Rascal Roo, Rackey, Ba boo skee, Rascal Roni...the list goes on. One thing is for sure, he is the sweetest dog. I don't think Rascal has ever growled at anyone, matter of fact, he would probably just lick you to death. I love to see that little tail get to wagging. Mom has him spoiled. She gives that dog more table scraps. Then she wonders why he sits and barks the whole time while you are trying to eat dinner....hummm...I wonder???? She even makes him his own little hamburger patty. Can you say spoiled rotten? Rascal sure loves attention too. He would sit for hours and let you rub his head and behind his ears. He has gotten to the point now, that if you stop he nudges you. If you try and walk away, he starts barking. Again, spoiled rotten! Rascal just has a way of making you smile. You could have the worse day ever, come home and see that sweet little face of his, and instantly be cheered up. When you are sick, it is like he knows it. He will lay by your side until you feel better. He gives the sweetest little kisses. It's as if he is saying it will all be okay. Rascal that is what I keep hoping and praying for...that it will somehow all be okay. I look into those innocent eyes of yours and I see love. I see someone who loves unconditionally. You don't have one mean bone in your body. It's just not fair! To be quite honest it simply SUCKS. There is just no other word to describe it. STUPID Cancer! Rascal Roo, I hope you know how very much you are loved and I am not giving up on you. You hang in there. Your sister is still praying for a miracle. I love you! -Dallas-